Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we flip through the tabloids while thinking about other things, like what to get for lunch, which—seeing as how I have no leftovers in the office fridge nor the appetite for something healthy like a salad—will likely be in the form of a burrito bowl from the fast-casual chain of all fast-casual chains, Chipotle. I will get a burrito bowl after doing these tabs. Yes I will.
This week, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are over, Michael Strahan is writing a tell-all about Kelly Ripa, Scott Disick and Kylie and Kendall are in a “bizarre love triangle,” and William and Kate are still boring.
On we go!
“It’s over,” screams the headline for this four-page cover story. No “might be.” No “almost.” Just “over.” Because this is real, folks. It’s finally happening, Brad and Angelina are goi—oh wait. Hold on. A few lines into this they say “the two stars are now seriously considering a permanent split.” So, false alarm! These are the same old rumors we’ve been hearing since Brad left Jen for Angie.
Anyway, here are the two major problems: “she’s sick” and “he’s tired.” Angelina “barely eats,” “guzzles wine every night, and smokes constantly.” Her lifestyle is really ruined Brad’s life because “it’s been hard to watch the woman he loves waste away.” Oh, I almost forgot, he’s also maybe cheating on her with Marion Cotillard, but we knew that already.
This is how OK! made them sound:
ANGELINA: I want a divorce.
BRAD: You want another glass of merlot.
ANGELINA: I want both.
BRAD: The merlot I can help you with. The divorce? Let’s talk again when you’re sober.
ANGELINA: I haven’t been sober since before you started up with Miss 9/11 Was An Inside Job.
BRAD: Her name is Marion Cotillard, and you know it.
ANGELINA: Her name is Marion Cotill-fart, and you know it.
BRAD:I don’t know that.
ANGELINA: You’re right, you don’t know that.
BRAD: I’m going to bed.
ANGELINA: Be sure to tell Marion that jet fuel can’t melt steel hearts!
BRAD: I don’t even know what that means.
No couple on planet Earth is more boring than this royal dose of melatonin, but the tabloids always try to make it seem like that’s not the case. This week, In Touch is claiming their “strained” marriage is in Brad and Angie-like trouble, saying Kate has been “miserable” due to shaming from both the public and her shitty royal in-laws.
The two “constantly argue” about things like “the pressure Kate is under, William’s attitude about it, and how to raise their kids.” This story is bogus, sure, but the one thing about it that entertained me was a suggestion that their relationship might be in trouble because Kate was given Diana’s “18-carat sapphire engagement ring,” which “has a bad history.”
Here’s what I think their lives are actually like:
KATE: I’d love some. Leonard?
LEONARD: Yes, ma’am?
KATE: We’d love some tea.
LEONARD: Excellent, ma’am. Gwendolyn?
LEONARD: Fetch some tea for sir and ma’am.
GWENDOLYN: Certainly. Albert?
GWENDOLYN: The Prince and his wife would like some tea. Would you mind?
ALBERT: Of course. Kathryn?
ALBERT: Tea for William and Kate?
KATHRYN: Yes, my pleasure. Stuart?
KATHRYN: I require some tea for William and Kate. Could you prepare some?
STUART: Straight away. Harry?
PRINCE HARRY: Yeah, yeah, I’ll get it the fuckin’ tea.
Oh dang! Here’s some good goss. Plenty of sources have gone to Star claiming Michael is ready to “dish the dirt on Kelly” in the form of a tell-all for which he could [theoretically] be paid $10 million. “Michael has written a book before,” the source said, “and he’d no doubt relish telling his side of the story, especially for that kind of paycheck.”
A “friend” also spoke with Star, claiming “Michael can’t stand Kelly because her ego is out of control” and that “he’s sick of Kelly’s diva antics.” God, this person won’t shut up!
“He hated her flirty style with guests. It came across as so phony to him. Kelly never missed an opportunity to remind him that he was only successful because of her and that he owed her his career. But Michael simply refused to take Kelly’s bait. He always managed to keep things professional and civil.”
And, oh wow, wait for this kicker. It ends by stating Michael really lost it when he “saw an email that completely changed his attitude.”
“He never said what it was,” the source said,” but that’s when he said to himself, ‘No more Mr. Nice Guy!’”
Here’s what I assume the email said:
FROM: Kelly Ripa <email@example.com>
TO: ABC <firstname.lastname@example.org>
hey man, kelly again . look, i’m getting sick an TIRED of my driver picking me up EVERY morning and playing the adele CD . EVERY. MORNING. he plays this thing . does he tnk I LKIE it ? I mean who doesn’t love adle honestly , but it’s been MONTHS ! play something else!!!!!! Play beyonce!!!!!! Play Fucking, what’s his fucking face. bieber ? PLAY BEIBER ! anyway can u get someone to tell this guy too rotate his music because christ imabout to flippppppppppppppp i promsie u .
also lol michael is calling me as i write this email what a dumass DECLINE lol
Have you see photos (or KUWTK footage) of Scott Disick lounging around with Kylie and Kendall Jenner? Well, you should NOT think that’s just family (or pseudo-family) just hanging out together. It’s not even “casual flirting”! No no, insiders are saying that it’s much more than that, and Life & Style has “exclusively learned that Scott, 32, has fallen in love with both sisters.”
They continue by saying, “His feelings for Kylie and Kendall are real. He’s carrying on with both of them. It’s completely wrong. It’s one twisted love triangle.”
Yikes! Here’s an imagined recent group text between the lovers.
KYLIE: scott we know
KENDALL: yeah scott
SCOTT: who knows
KYLIE: we do
KENDALL: we do
KYLIE: about u and kendall
KENDALL: about u and kylie
SCOTT: what about it
KYLIE: scott don’t play dumb i know!!!
KENDALL: yeah it’s over!!!! you have been caught!!!!!!
SCOTT: cool it’s chill don’t worry abt it
SCOTT: quick flavor 2 ask
SCOTT: tell kourt to call me i have a question about the remote
SCOTT: [yellow heart emoji] [purple heart emoji] [dancing woman emoji] [martini glass emoji]
- “Tyga” “plans” to “write” a “tell-all.”
- Zoinks, someone from The Biggest Loser whose name doesn’t matter may have used a weight-loss drug.
- Jennifer Aniston visited her “estranged, dying mom” for the “first time in five years.” Happy Mother’s Day indeed!
- Janet Jackson has a “secret daughter” whom she gave birth to in 1985.
- Heidi Klum will never get married again.
- Suri Cruise has been secretly calling her father, Chris Kl-I mean, Tom Cruise.
- Gwyneth Paltrow and Brad Falchuk are gonna tie the goop very soon.
- Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson’s marriage is “crumbling.”
- Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are fine.
- Brandi Glanville and Dean Sheremet might be fucking.
- Gigi and Zayn might not be.
- JoJo Fletcher’s ex boyfriend to Life & Style: “It’s hard to watch her be with somebody else.”
- Eva Longoria might be pregnant as hell very soon.