Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we receive word that Kris Jenner’s nose is falling off, run to Ace Hardware, buy some spackle, a joint knife, duct tape, Gorilla Glue, and book a first class ticket—expensed to Jezebel—to LAX, where we take an Uber Black all the way to Kris Jenner’s home in Calabasas. “Let me in!” we scream at her gate’s intercom. “I’ve come to reattach your nose!” The gate slides open, we park in her driveway, and enter the home with a deep, confident breath. It’s time to put Kris back together again.
All four of today’s cover stories are compelling (it’s about time), and will provide gossip juicy enough to keep you satisfied until next week. And no, I don’t mean sexually—unless this stuff does it for you, in which case, I do.
This week, Charlize Theron and Ben Affleck are fucking (which means Reindeer Games is mentioned in a magazine more than it has been since 2000), Kanye may not be North’s father (pssshhhh), and Gwen, Khloe, and Kylie are all pregnant (by different men, I presume).
Here are some things that came out in the year 2000: Creed’s Human Clay, ABC’s The Geena Davis Show, ABC’s The Michael Richards Show, and Reindeer Games. Remember Reindeer Games? Probably not, but that’s OK. It was a poorly received comedic thriller (?) that Charlize Theron and Ben Affleck starred in back when her hair was short ‘n’ wavy and his hair hadn’t been gone all salt and pepper from Gigli. They had a sex scene or two, which OK! kindly posted a screengrab of, and which the suggest was the beginning of their romance. They each were unavailable at the time (a source was “firm” that they never actually hooked up on set), and it only took a decade and a half of failed romances to bring them together.
The new romance began, they claim, during a “post-Oscars party” this year, as illustrated by this blurry photo in which Ben’s line of sight has the same trajectory as Lee Harvey Oswald’s magic bullet:
Since then, insiders claim they’ve been secretly dating. One whippersnapper told OK!, “You won’t see them on dates at high-profile restaurants. It’ll be their little secret for as long as possible.” No, they’ll be spending time in Charlize’s “secluded Hollywood Hills home, since”—wait for it, because this is the best line in the issue—“Ben’s current residence is a guest house in the backyard of his and Jen’s Pacific Palisades property.”
These two are like the weeds in RoundUp commercials that aren’t treated with RoundUp. You spray and you spray and you spray, but they keep popping back up—somehow stronger than ever. And, according to InTouch, they will eventually sprout another one. Gwen is having a “miracle baby at 46,” but it’s not exactly what it sounds like, based on the cover. Gwen is merely having her eggs frozen, because she “wants to have a baby with Blake,” and for “the boys to have another sibling.”
In Touch then decides to get all scientific on us (which is always fun), and writes:
Experts say the likelihood of a natural pregnancy after a woman turns 45 dwindles to just 3 or 4 percent. “Even though Blake says having a biological child doesn’t matter to him, Gwen will do whatever it takes to make certain that if he changes his mind, the eggs will be frozen and available,” explains the insider.
Ideally, she’d have a girl. Regardless of its sex, Blake will probably want to name it Blake Jr. Either that or, like, Bubba.
Side note: Growing up, the old woman who lived down the street from my family had her grandchildren call her Bubba, which—even then—I thought was very odd.
Star’s cover story is a “Kardashian bombshell” that questions North West’s paternity. What is this based on? Nothing! Absolutely nothing. That baby looks like the perfect mix of Kanye and Kim’s old face, so I don’t question that she’s a product of their love...but Star? Star has a few thoughts, and I would like to share them with you.
They are suggesting that Kim used “frozen embryos to impregnate herself,” and that the embryos were fertilized by the sperm from “an ex-boyfriend” or “close family friend.” Why? Doesn’t matter!
Their suspects are, ranked from sort of plausible to the funniest thing I’ve ever read:
- Reggie Bush - Kim’s ex-bf.
- Kris Humphries - Kim’s ex-husband.
- Olivier Rousteing - Kim’s friend / the creative director for Balmain.
They have provided a photo of Olivier as a baby as...I don’t know, proof?
I’m sorry but there’s a better chance I have a fetus fertilized by Olivier Rousteing’s growing in my abdomen than there is of him being the father of North West.
Pregnant, I tells ya! The both of them! Khloe is currently gestating the spawn of Lamar, whose baby she has “always wanted,” and Kylie is sittin’ on an egg fertilized by Tyga, the father of Kylie’s brother’s girlfriend’s baby.
Isn’t that lovely? Oh, no, I meant to ask something entirely different. Isn’t this a 400-car pileup?
In happier news, Rihanna and Drake have “decided” to have a baby together and nothing has ever felt more right.
- A.J. McClean is in more than one tabloid this week because he allegedly cheated on his wife with a fan. I feel like the world wants me to care about this, but I refuse.
- Brie Larson asked her boyfriend, Alex Greenwald, to marry her. He said yes.
- Katy Perry is paying Orlando Bloom’s telephone, credit card, and automo bills.
- Alicia Vikander is probably going to dump Michael Fassbender soon because he’s a mega flirt.
- Tori Spelling called in a favor and got a spread in OK! about how she’s “bouncing back,” and “happier than ever.”
- Blake Lively wants another baby now that Ryan’s officially a success.
- Selena Gomez “hit rock bottom” again, and is probably making some cracks in the floor after all that pounding.
- Jennifer Aniston’s dying, 79-year-old mother “spends most days alone in her North Hollywood apartment watching game shows, taking her pills, and napping.”
- Prince Harry is moving to America because he wants “to find a wife.”
- Lisa Vanderpump’s breath gets “so stinky that people discreetly try to cover their noses when they speak to her.”