This Week In Tabloids: Arnold "Groped, Used & Humiliated" 32 More Women, Has 2 More Secret Kids

Welcome back to Midweek Madness. Every Wednesday, we check out the the furniture left beside the curb by Us, Ok!, Star, In Touch and Life & Style. This week, Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are staying in all weekend to bone; Bethenny Frankel has an awesome fold-out yoga poster to share with you; and Maria Shriver calls Arnold Schwarzenegger a swine.

Ok!
“Half My Weight!”
Olivia Ward is the winner of The Biggest Loser, and she lost a lot of weight! The married New York opera singer started at 261 lbs. and was told by her doctor that she might not be able to have kids if she didn’t lose weight. Now she is 132 lbs. Congrats. There’s a sidebar about how Olvia’s eating habits have changed: Her breakfast used to be bacon egg and cheese on a bagel with hash browns but now she eats an egg white omelette filled vegetables. Her old lunch was a turkey and cheddar sandwich with mayonnaise on ciabatta bread. Her new lunch is three crackers with three ounces of turkey slices. Let’s move on: “Lamar Isn’t A Good Dad” is about how Lamar Odom’s ex-wife, Liza, claims he never visits his kids. He’s missed birthdays and goes months without visiting or calling. Liza says: “Financially, Lamar has always been very giving.” The mag points out: “Khloe wants a baby but Lamar rarely visits the kids he already has.” Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart had an “intimate” birthday bash — as in, just the two of them. They’re staying in a “Toronto love nest” we mere mortals call a hotel suite. KStew made kobe beef meatballs and spaghetti and then they had cheesecake and watched TV with their adorable rescue puppy named Bear.
Grade: D- (dining chair with blown out cane seat)

Us
“Hot Bodies 2011”
Here you’ll find seven pages of not-necessarily new posed photos of celebrities with “hot” bodies. After that, there’s a two-page spread of Bethenny Frankel talking about how yoga changed her life. But wait! There’s more! A huge pull-out poster of Bethenny’s 15-minute yoga workout! (see Fig. 1). Then another twenty or so pages of “hot” bodies. You may recognize some of the photographs from shoots in other magazines, like GQ. If you like looking at hot bodies and would like your yoga workout to be only 15 minutes, this magazine is for you. Back to the gossip: Kate Gosselin owes her marriage therapist almost $11,000. Ouch. Scott “American Pyscho” Disick says of his 17-month-old son Mason: “Of course he looks great. I dress him like me!” Jennifer Aniston is having a “secret romance” with Justin Theroux. She is super into him, obviously, and they — gasp — had a sleepover. They’ve had a dinner date, a lunch date, and a “holed up in her home” date. We’ve seen her house, and we want to hole up in it, too. Olivia Wilde and Mila Kunis came out to support Justin Timberlake at his Saturday Night Live hosting gig — and then the three of them went out and partied. And had a great time. Michael Sheen on falling in love with Rachel McAdams on the set of Midnight In Paris: “We spent our nights walking around Paris. It was a great way to get know each other!” Rosario Dawson has broken up with her longtime boyfriend, French DJ Mathieu Schreyer. Dianna Agron from Glee is now dating Gossip Girl‘s Sebastian Stan. Which means that in February, when Dianna’s then-bf Alex Badass Pettyfer scuffled with Stan because he suspected Stan and Dianna were hooking up, he was probably right. Next: Pippa Middleton, 27, is ready to move out of her parents’ home and into the London flat of her boyfriend, Alex. She’s telling friends they’re going to get married. Leonardo DiCaprio is obsessed with Blake Lively, but she is playing hard to get. We know this because he was on Steven Spielberg’s boat in Cannes, and even though there were lots of hotties hanging around, he wouldn’t stop looking at his phone, checking his hair and flossing his teeth — until he spotted Blake. Then he started waving like crazy. There was a long, lingering hug and then they were both grinning ear to ear. Then Leo and Blake drove 160 miles to Portofino, where they wandered around smiling. In Arnold Schwarzenegger news, Maria’s kids have met their half-brother a few times, but that kid and his mom have fled their home in Bakersfield due to media attention. But Maria hopes that her children will have a relationship with Arnold’s son, because she knows he is the victim in the situation. Last, but not least: Here is a picture of Sara Rue playing beer pong at her wedding! (see Fig. 2)
Grade: D- (stained couch with ripped cushioning)

Life & Style
“Hot Summer Loves.”
Jennifer Aniston has a “secret new love,” Justin Theroux. They spent five days in a row together so obviously it’s on. They hung out at her house for an entire weekend! The mag decides that Jen and Justin are perfect for each other because they are both dog lovers who value their privacy and healthy eating. Justin has always had a “thing” for Jen and calls her “the classiest lady I know.” Ooh, also: Their apartments in New York are a mere 10 blocks away from each other. FATE. The mag explains that Justin is “the best of her exes” because he loves danger, like Brad; he’s funny, like Vince; and he’s a rebel, like John. The other “summer love” is between Blake and Leo, and the story is titled, “Why Leo Chose Blake Over A Supermodel!” Answer: Blake is a breath of fresh air after Bar Refwhatshername was “constantly” pressuring Leo to father her baby and do stuff like, hang out. What a bummer. Leo and Blake have an “obvious connection” and were spotted cracking jokes and TALKING CLOSELY. Leo’s asked Blake to come visit him in Australia on the set of The Great Gatsby, but she is trying to be a movie star and is very busy, and could be the first woman Leo has dated who won’t mold her schedule around his, which makes him want her more. In other news, Leighton Meester is dating Justin Long, which is adorable. Schwarzenegger update: Maria Shriver’s kids were the ones to told her to leave Arnold. They talked to her one by one in an intervention, a few weeks ago. Meanwhile, Arnold is getting zero sympathy from the kids. No surprise. Patrick dropped his last name from his Twitter handle. Jack Black’s wife is glad that Jack and Angelina Jolie were in sound booths away from each other while doing the voices for Kung Fu Panda. She didn’t want Angie to steal her man! “It’s not over the top to be a little worried about that, okay.” Finally, Real Estate Porn: The house that the Beckhams are renting in Malibu for the summer is gorgeous. Seven bedrooms, nine bathrooms, a pool and an ocean view. (see Fig. 3)
Grade: D (scuffed and discolored coffee table)

In Touch
“Fame Destroyed My Family”
Believe it or not, Teresa is not in the midst of a “shocking split,” as the cover claims. But. Joe Giudice hates it when Teresa says her brother’s name. Interestingly, it’s his name, too. They are both named Joe. Hubby Joe says: “I told her a bunch of times not to mention the brother in front of me — I don’t want to hear it, and when I hear the name, I get pissed off.” There have been a couple of times that Teresa said THE NAME and Joe almost left. But! Then he says: “I couldn’t ask for a better wife. I’m not gonna fight over that monkey.” Ah, okay. Hmm. But! Bravo secretly signed Brother Joe and his family up to be on Real Housewives. So there is no escape. Also, someone went up to one of the Giudice daughters at school and said “Your family is embarrassing.” And that’s that. If you’d like to see old pictures of Teresa and Hubby Joe, you’ll find some touching retro moments here. Moving on: Kate Middleton and Pippa Middleton are battling! It’s tradition for the lady-in-waiting — that’s Pippa — to join the Princess on all of her official trips. But Kate has decided that tradition sucks, and she won’t be using Pippa’s services on her trip to the U.S. It might be because she doesn’t want Pippa to have to rearrange her schedule, but the mag wants us to believe she is jealous of Pippa’s bottom and the attention it attracts. Plus, Oprah is trying to get Pippa her own reality show on OWN. Brad and Angelina are feuding… over where to take their kids on vacation. He wants them to visit Missouri to camp and play in the dirt. She wants them to stay at the French chateau, since Missouri is not her idea of a vacation. Brad can’t believe that she can be so selfish, so he got really mad and then got really drunk. Angie got upset, too, and told him he looked “greasy” and like a “mess.” Brad is allegedly very close to his breaking point, etc. Next: Jen has a new “bad boy,” Justin Theroux, and it’s excellent timing. See, “she’s so lonely,” since the death of her beloved dog Norman. “She’s looking for something — or someone — to take her mind off it.” The good news is that Theroux and Aniston have something in common: They both love interior design. Theroux’s home is decorated with furniture he found in the garbage. That’s why he is being called a “trash collector” on the cover. They should be calling him an eco-friendly recycler! In Schwarzennegger news, In Touch has discovered EXCLUSIVELY that there’s another woman with whom Arnold had an affair. And she’s CANADIAN. Dun dun dun. But the tryst happened 10 years ago when she lived in the U.S. The Canuck lady — as well as Arnold’s former lover Gigi Goyette — are both working with Gloria Allred, so this should end well. Britney Spears has been “forbidden” to have another baby. Her father thinks it’s a bad idea. That conservatorship is really all-inclusive! Apparently Britney’s spiral into depression was precipitated by the birth of her second son, and she suffered post-partum depression. So her father doesn’t want to risk losing the progress she’s made. Britney is in love with Jason, though, and wants to have three more kids. (Didja know that Kevin Federline’s FIFTH kid is on the way?) Blake is “making her move” on Leo, because she wants to be the next Julia Roberts. Having a high-profile relationship will increase her Hollywood cachet or something. Eyeroll. Jessica Simpson spent $600,000 on cars for her parents — a Porsche for her mom and a Maybach for her dad. Nice! A-Rod is “demanding” that Cameron Diaz get a boob job, and she is considering it… since they’ve been together for a year. Eduardo Cruz asked Eva Longoria to marry him. She kept the ring but wants to think about it. Lastly, a story of hope and redemption. Nick Carter says, “I’ve been to hell and back.” Drugs! Overweight! DUI! Then, in 2008, he had a brush with heart disease and realized he did not want to die. Now, he’s lost weight on a semi-vegetarian diet, and his career is on the upswing, thanks to the BSB tour and his upcoming solo album. So. Good for him.
Grade: C (rickety stool)

Star
“You’re A Pig!”
According to a source, Maria Shriver found out about Arnold and Midred Baena’s child in 2006, but decided to keep quiet for the sake of Arnold’s political career. Maria “enjoyed the role” of first lady of California, but the “final straw” came a few weeks ago, when someone walked in on Arnold in bed, naked, while Mildred scrambled into a closet and insisted she was merely cleaning up and dusting. We don’t know who the “someone” is, but if it was one of the kids, that is Sucktown, USA. It’s also unclear when exactly it was that Maria called Arnold a pig, yet we absolutely believe that it did indeed happen. While Arnold and Mildred were carrying on, he promised her he would leave his wife — and also gave her $10,000 a month for, um, expenses. This article also has details about Anrold’s “men only” 50th birthday party in 1997, which was thrown by James Cameron. There was a stripper there — that’s her on the over in the police uniform — and when she took her top off, Arnold was all over her, kissing and fondling. The next page is a “world exclusive,” where we learn that Arnold urged Mildred to get a boob job not long after their son was born, and she also got her lips done “to please her lover.” He also bought a boob job for her adult daughter. Plus: Arnold secretly took Mildred and her son on trips to Disneyland and Universal Studios, and the three of them even took a family photo at a theme park, which Mildred displays in her home. Obviously this woman was basically a part of Schwarzenegger’s life. There’s a picture of Maria and her mother, Eunice Kennedy Shriver, at an inaugural kickoff event in Sacramento, and Mildred is RIGHT BEHIND Eunice (See Fig. 4) The headline on the next page is “Groped… Used… Humiliated: 32 MORE WOMEN — and 2 more love children!” It’s exhausting. Where did he find the time? An Arnold biographer interviewed at least six women who claimed to have mothered children by Arnold. UNPROTECTED SEX RAMPAGE. Oh, and there’s the time Arnold and his bodybuilding dudes had an “orgy” with a “black girl” at Gold’s Gym in Venice, CA. But how a bunch of gigantic muscle dudes can have an orgy with one poor woman is beyond our realm of comprehension. There’s also a “secret sex dossier” which claims Arnold had sex with another mistress, for three years. The file was compiled by people working for Arnold’s campaign — trying to see what they could dig up before the media did. One page in this file was titled, “Investigating Extra Marital Affairs That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Having With One Or More Waitresses.” He also had an affair with Brigitte Nielsen, BTW. Star columnist Victoria Gotti weighs in: “The answer is simple: They are M.E.N. — Meaningless Emotionless Nothings. And for the most part, all men cheat.” Christ. Moving on: Connor Cruise is a cutie! I mean, he’s a Scientologist, which is weird, but adorable! (See Fig. 5) LeAnn Rimes is “scary skinny.” (See Fig. 6) A doctor who does not treat her says that she’s lost weight in her hip area. “The big problem,” says a source, “Is that Eddie likes her stick thin. He is obsessed with her body right now.” Courtney Love is also scary skinny, because you could see her ribs when she wore a backless dress in Cannes. Courtney is barely eating and living in food replacement shakes. Allegedly. A bubble on this page asks, “What’s wrong with these stars?” Well, maybe if magazines like Star stopped print Best And Worst Bikini Body stories, being stick thin wouldn’t be such a priority? Robin Wright does not want her son Hopper hanging out with his dad, Sean Penn, when he’s with new girlfriend Scarlett Johansson. A source claims Hopper took the divorce badly, and his mom thinks it’s not good for him to see his father flaunting his much-younger girlfriend. Ryan Reynolds is “running wild in South Africa” and “juggling” three new ladies. He’s dating a French starlet, a German lingerie model and a South African model. Single and ready to mingle! Lastly: We learn that Snooki has lost 20 lbs. in a Zantrex-3 Fat Burner ad disguised as a news article. A few pages after this “story” is an actual full page Zantrex-3 ad designed to look like a tabloid article. META. (see Fig. 7a, 7b)
Grade: C+ (rusty file cabinet)

Addendum

Fig. 1, from Us

Fig. 2, from Us

Fig. 3, from Life & Style

Fig. 4, from Star

Fig. 5, from Star

Fig. 6, from Star

Fig. 7a, from Star (NOTE: This is “editorial” content.)

Fig. 7b, from Star (NOTE: This is an advertisement.)