This Week in Tabloids: Anne Hathaway Thinks Her Dog Isn't Hip Enough
CelebritiesWelcome back to your friendly neighborhood Midweek Madness, in which we send Tanisha Love Ramirez to the newsstand to pick up the latest issues of the celebrity weeklies and assist us in cuddling fuzzy gossip from In Touch, Us, Ok!, Life & Style, and Star.
This week, Kim Kardashian’s fetus is ruining her life, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant again but for real this time, and Anne Hathaway wants to kick an old dog to the curb and get a new trick.
Life & Style
“This Baby Is Ruining My Life”
Have you guffawed today? In this week’s cover story, Kim and Kanye are so over Kim being pregnant. Poor pregnant Kim is becoming POOR pregnant Kim. Friends estimate that Kim, who used to make millions flaunting her famous figure at parties, book signings, fashion events, etc, has lost over $2 million in endorsements, deals and appearances since conceiving. According to a friend: “Nobody wants to see a pregnant woman partying at a nightclub and it’s not like she can shoot an ad campaign right now.” Kim is so desperate to remain relevant and marketable that she’s taken to making free appearances at book and magazine signings. Free, people. Furthermore, Kim is worried that her pregnancy has driven her baby-daddy away. According to the mag, Kimye have been together only a mere 18 days out of the 108 days since they announced Kim’s pregnancy. Next: Amid rumors of his infidelity, Blake Shelton admitted on CBS This Morning that his marriage to Miranda Lambert hasn’t been all roses and posies. But have no fear, Miranda is determined to keep her husband’s penis holstered with her new “husband–taming makeover,” complete with a little black dress that “lets it all hang out.” (Fig 1) You know what they say: If you set your boobs free and your husband comes back to you, he’s yours forever. Next: Jennifer Aniston has allegedly told friends to save yet another date, Adele wants to say “I doo-wop” in a ‘50s-themed wedding, Kristin Cavallari is now in possession of a bridal body, so that’s happening, and Olivia Wilde and Jason Sudeikis want to get married in the woods…er, sorry, wilderness! And lastly, Nicole Richie was spotted without her 4-carat diamond engagement ring, so the world is freaking out. Also, her kids weren’t on hand, so maybe she’s divorcing them too.
Grade: F (dead dog)
Ok!
“Pregnant Kim Collapses”
…In tears, you guys. Kim collapsed into a fit of tears after fighting with Kanye about her looks. According to an insider—who is not the fetus— Kanye is putting a lot of pressure on Kim to look perfect, but refuses to help her dress her growing baby bump. Adding to her stress is the fact that Kanye insists recording his album in Paris, forcing Kim to endure her pregnancy alone in L.A. and travel long distances just to see him. Momager Kris has been trying to cheer Kim up, even joking about what good television Kim’s breakdown would make, because priorities. Meanwhile, Jessica Simpson’s family is stressing her out, with her parents refusing to play nice long enough to plan—and finally go through with—a wedding. Papa/Mama drama! Moving on. Farrah Abraham hopes to sell her recently debuted sex tape with James Deen for a couple of million. Yeah, ain’t nobody got time for dat. Finally, Blake Shelton is expected to preside over Kelly Clarkson’s nuptials, because who wouldn’t want a man who left his ex-wife for his current wife to join them in holy matrimony?
Grade: F (sick puppy)
In Touch
“The Truth at Last”
At last? This the same news and “truth” we’ve been fed for the last four weeks: People still think that Khloe Kardashian bears an uncanny resemblance to her mother’s hairdresser of 30 years, Alex Roldan, fueling rumors that Khloe isn’t actually a biological Kardashian. Rather than celebrate the fact that she only got one-half of the loony stick, Khloe is allegedly planning on confronting momager Kris Jenner about her paternity on one of their many reality shows. Dun, dun, duuuunnn! This all comes on the heels of a recent “take back my life” kick Khloe’s been on, complete with a tabloid-celebrated slim down, photographic evidence of her holding hands with her husband Lamar Odom and generally being the least annoying Kardashian. Truth is, we’re over it. Moving on. Call him a porn star, call his member tiny, call him maybe, but DO NOT call James Deen Farrah Abraham’s boyfriend. James claims Farrah tried to coerce him into pretending to be her boyfriend, to which he responded, “Absolutely not…I’m not a prostitute, and I’m not going to go on fake dates with people,” because, standards. Farrah, for her part, insists that the tape is only intended to celebrate her body, “So I can look back and remember how great I looked when I was 21.” Don’t you wish you could remember how good your labia looked when you were young? Other famous-for-being-famous person Brandi Glanville is taking a break from drinking and tweeting to reveal who she’d like to play her in her ex’s scripted television show based on their divorce and his subsequent marriage to LeAnn Rimes. Brandi’s pick: Denise Richards. Also in this issue: Prince Harry once dated a grocery store clerk named “Margaret”, Perez Hilton thinks that his former bestie Amanda Bynes should be committed and Russell Brand wants to have an orgy with the Kardashians because he “thinks pregnant women are radiant and the idea of lactation is an interesting one.” Klassy.
Grade: D- (mean old dog)
Us
“I’ll Stand By My Man”
The day after the Academy of Country Music Awards, Blake Shelton and his wife Miranda Lambert shot a music video and made out. They were, according to an eyewitness, “all over each other.” There are tons of infidelity rumors, yet Miranda trusts Blake: “She knows he comes off as flirty,” a source says. They’re away from each other a lot, which is tough, but they Skype and text and call. Also, Miranda is the daughter of two private investigators, so she and Blake know each others’ passwords and phone codes. “I don’t have to snoop anymore,” Miranda says, adding that on Twitter: “I like to check his direct messages.” Sounds trusting! And not snoop-y at all. Also inside: Farrah Abraham says she made a porn movie with James Deen because: “When I’m older, I’ll have mybest year to look back on. As my young fans should expect, I made sure my partner was tested… and contraception was used.” Um, okay. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson hit Coachella where she danced to Postal Service. Amanda Bynes has “snapped,” according to a “pal.” She has an eating disorder, paranoid thoughts, changes her number and email every two weeks, and is increasingly isolated as she “shuts down anyone who tells her she’s not well.” A doctor who has never met her diagnoses: “She may be in the early stages of bipolar disorder.” We skipped the story about Tori Spelling getting her body back and only skimmed the one about Matt Damon and his wife renewing their vows in St. Lucia — although since it was held on the beach, everyone wore ivory, white and cream, Jimmy Kimmel officiated and the kids played around a bonfire as the sun went down, it sounds perfect. But more important is this 2-page spread of hotties from Mad Men (Fig. 2) Everything — from the George Nelson clock to the rotary phone to the UN architecture print — is so delicious. We want to party with Harry Crane and Stan Rizzo.
Grade: B- (loyal but snappy dog)
Star
“Jen: Pregnant Bride!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA. How fresh and new. Never ever heard this rumor before. It feels like being trapped in a groundhog day of a dream of a deja vu of a nightmare in a parallel dimension of infinite Unsolicited Uterus Updates. This time around Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux “recently found out she’s expecting a baby” and that’s not all — their wedding is “just weeks away.” Jen had her eggs frozen back in 2005, and the mag absurdly insists she and Justin “talked about having children from day one.” As in, she arrived at work on the movie set of Wanderlust and met her costar who’d been living with a woman for 14 yeas and said, “Should we have a baby together?” Anyway, Jen has “already switched into mommy mode,” which is a thing women, with all of our levers and buttons and gears, can do quite easily. J’Anthrax is redoing the house so it will be less swanky LA pad and more family-friendly home. Body expert Alicia Hunter — who recently declared that Kim Kardashian to be seven zillion pounds — insists that Jen is already showing: “She appears to be filling out… Her bust looks fuller, and her normally wispy waist looks much less defined. Even her arms look softer!” Hunter calls these “early indications of pregnancy,” and if so, 89% of the women and 82% of the dudes we know are pregnant right now. Anyway, Jen’s thrilled to be pregnant and “keeps calling the baby ‘my little miracle.'” As in, it will be a miracle if Star is actually correct this time. (Just FYI, Star declared Jen pregnant in November 2012, claimed she was having twins in February 2012, and also claimed she was having twins in December 2011. This is the longest gestational period EVER. Also inside: Julianne Hough and Leonardo DiCaprio “flirted up a storm” at Coachella. Anne Hathaway has decided her faithful old Labrador, Esmerelda, isn’t cool enough for Hollywood. “Anne really wants a stylish young puppy she can play and interact with” says an insider who just might be Esmerelda. “She says she just can’t bond with a dog that’s half dead — it’s not quite the glamourous look she’s going for now that she’s won an Oscar.” You guys, if this cur is spreading rumors about Annie, she is a bitch. Rachel Zoe’s TV show has been canceled and Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, and Eva Mendes have all dumped her as a stylist, because she’s way too expensive. The A-listers are turning to lesser known edgy stylists who are much cheaper and Zoe might go broke. What else? Catherine Giudici from The Bachelor is “a total drunk.” After losing her husband and being attacked politically, Ashley Judd might have a breakdown. Lisa Vanderpump was topless in a 1978 British horror flick called Killer’s Moon. And finally, why didn’t anyone tell us this??!? Britney’s new boyfriend is named David “Lucky” Lucado. LUCKY. She’s a star. But she cry, cry, cries in her lonely heart.
Grade: C- (accidentally knocked-up dog)
Addendum:
Fig. 1, from Life & Style
Fig. 2, from Us