This Week In Tabloids: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt Are Desperately Fighting for Control of a Haunted French Chateau

Welcome to Jezebel’s Midweek Madness, where the August heat has melted my few remaining brain cells in the wake of this endless summer hellscape. Since I’m “technically” on vacation, we’re gonna keep it exceedingly brief this week. Let’s dive in!

In Touch:

Demi Moore, famous to an adolescent me for the fur coat worn in the Oscar nominated Charlie’s Angels 2: Full Throttle, has descended from her lofty palace of mindfulness and cowl neck sweaters to save us from the looming August gloom. Her new memoir Inside Out hits the gossip circuit in September. According to sources, the book deal cost HarperCollins almost $5 million for Moore to “spill the tea on everything.” Many of the chapters are allegedly dedicated to the high profile “failed romances” that populated her public life: Emilio Estevez, Bruce Willis, and Ashton Kutcher. A source asserts she’s friendly with Kutcher after their marriage ended in a hot tub with “two San Diego women” on their sixth anniversary. As for the implosion of her relationship with Bruce Willis, let me remind the audience why they divorced:

In 1996, Bruce told Playboy: “No woman is going to satisfy a man’s natural impulse to procreate, procreate, procreate” and not long after, Demi was reportedly incensed when he invited Liv Tyler—then his 21 year old co-star in Armageddon—to stay in their Idaho home.

Willis was 41 at the time. Yikes! The same source also claims that she’ll “clear the air about a lot of misconceptions about her heartbreak and downward spiral” after both relationships ended in disaster. She reportedly checked into rehab for substance abuse after collapsing from a “whip-its” overdose. There will be chapters dedicated to this, her early career battles with addiction, and the methods she used to come back from both. If you’re reading this Demi, I’d love a copy!

I’m going to break my moratorium on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I’m sorry! A blood feud with a French Chateau at its center is the only thing strong enough to break my firmly held, completely arbitrary limitations. The $60 million estate, nefariously titled Chateau Miraval, is Brad Pitt’s “perfect place.” The crown jewel of his real estate portfolio, I find it unsurprising that the tabloids would speculate on Angelina Jolie’s dastardly attempt to claw it away from him. According to sources somewhere in the French countryside:

“Angie wasn’t going to fight him on it—it was his dream project, and he fell in love with it—but suddenly she changed her mind. […] Brad loves that place. And she realized how much it would drive Brad crazy if she took it from him.”

Of course, the laws of our universe dictate that all named residential properties must also be cursed. They wed in 2014 in Miraval’s vineyards, and in 2017, the Paris Court of Appeals ordered the couple to pay $700,000 to the interior designer in charge of the property’s massive renovation after they neglected to sign his checks. Despite its tortured history, where else will Brad Pitt escape too when deprived of pensive strolls and quiet solitude? Of course, the ensuing legal battle could serve as the inspiration for By The Sea 2.

Elsewhere, Becky G was photographed and Lily Rabe donned a headband. Kate Beckinsale debuted a bleach job and smoky eye, transporting her Instagram followers to a much simpler time—2007. Kim Zolciak-Biermann lost $30,000 in Vegas after her imaginary service animal was ejected from commercial airline. Jaden Smith launched a vegan food truck to feed the houseless in Downtown Los Angeles. Rumer Willis held her sisters’ hands, anthropomorphic skid mark Quentin Tarantino posed with Snoop Dogg, and Kim Kardashian transformed her sunburn into a marketable Instagram story. Justin Therou posed with his dog. There were also some troubling photos from Russell Crowe’s new film that show him in an outlandish “fat suit.” Get a grip!

Oddly, the American press has fixated on a report that Kate Middleton underwent Botox treatments. Who hasn’t! The palace has “vehemently” denied this, and the clinic at the center of this non-controversy has used the exposure to advertise their products while alleging a palace cover-up. Imagine if we dedicated this same energy to even a fraction of the A-listers that secretly frequent the many, many med-spas in nondescript Studio City office buildings. Worse, the tabloids are once again indulging in the loaded assumption that Naomi Cambell is “standoffish” and “hard to work with.” Rumors of an on-set feud between the supermodel and Heidi Klum on the set of Amazon’s new reality competition show Making the Cut are simply tiresome. When will we bore of manifesting arguments between attractive, famous women? A source also claims that Alicia Vikander’s April Harper’s Bazaar cover was originally meant for Madonna. Madame X, it appears, pulled out after disagreeing on the artistic direction. Sources on set also claim she was “dreadful to work with.” Are you sensing this pattern yet?

What else:

• Sources claim there is a secret wedding on the horizon for Britney Spears.
• Jill Zarin’s new boyfriend Gary Brody is “this close” to asking her to marry him. As for Bobby? “He’s smiling down on Jill, I’m sure.”
• Will you be attending Jewel’s Denver “wellness” festival?
• Alysa Reiner’s night at home included Sriracha and Regina Spektor.

This week’s blind item is troubling, strange, and vague enough to puzzle me. There’s a fraction of my brain that thinks this might be about Bella Thorne. Her benign decision to leak her own nudes angered plenty of elder gossips, and In Touch has previously described the actress as “starving for attention.”. Enjoy!

This starving-for-attention actress is seriously considering pulling a Kim Kardashian and releasing a sex tape. She wants to star in, direct, and produce the film, then air it on her own pay-per-view website. The former child model’s Hollywood team is working around the clock to convince her to give up the idea.

Us Weekly:

I received a series of anonymous calls from Clearwater, Florida last week. Ominous! Moving on, Blake Lively’s neon green pantsuit held Ella Mai in a dangerous chokehold while Hilary Swank debuted a kitten heel on an unmarked red carpet. Joe Manganiello revealed that Eva Longoria slaughters snakes with an actual katana. Seth Meyers worried about the possibility of his son having sex with a meme. Billy Eichner, who has still not met Beyoncé, mourned his exclusion from Taylor Swift’s “You Need to Calm Down” video. At least he added another pop star to his sizeable list of uninterested A-listers! Octavia Spencer visited Stonehenge and remarked: “I thought it would be bigger!” Lili Reinhart, who I’m told is not single, posed at Comic Con amidst rumors that she is single. Jordyn Woods was seen with James Harden, supposed ex-boyfriend of denim baroness Khloe Kardashian. Bindi Irwin, somebody you absolutely remember and care about, is officially engaged to another somebody named Chandler Powell. Britney Spears made her shocking red carpet debut with build-a-boyfriend Sam Asghari at the premiere of Once Upon a Time in Hollywood.

As I’ve never watched a single episode of Flip or Flop, I’m continuously perplexed by the desperate stardom of the divorced couple that once dominated the tabloid ecosystem. In his latest interview with Us Weekly, Tarek El Moussa claims that “if [Christina Antstead and I] don’t have a working relationship, we have no show.” Sad! He also admits that it would be “great” if his ex-wife “finds me the perfect specimen,” a linguistic choice that reveals plenty! Tia Mowry, who’s allegedly starring in a Netflix show, also revealed 25 things you didn’t know about her.

• 2. Her favorite kitchen utensil is a spiralizer. (Has anyone found the secret Pinterest this answer so plainly reveals?)
• 6. If she had to describe herself with a hashtag? #FunnyGirl
• 8. She regularly eats red velvet cupcakes until she is sick.
• 9. Her first car was an Eddie Bauer Ford Explorer.
• 12. Like me, she burps a lot.
• 14. “Since I’m a mom, my go to is coffee.”
• 20. Her collection of Giada De Laurentiis cookbooks could fill a library.
• 21. A fan once mailed her an engagement ring.
• 22. “I live by carpe diem, it’s something I think about every day.”
• 23. When she first met Beyoncé, the elusive chanteuse simply stated: “I know who you are.”
• 25. Interestingly, her favorite book is The Alchemist.

I was going to end this with a sweeping ode to the dog days of celebrity gossip, but I genuinely have nothing. That was until I flipped through 40 pages of bikini photos and “mom tips” and promptly burst into tears. Until next week, I’ll leave you with this: Us Weekly described Anna Faris as a “mom partnered with Klondike bar.” Enjoy this week’s deep-fried summer collage!