This Week In Tabloids: Angelina Collapses, Britney's Meds Kick In

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Another Wednesday, another Midweek Madness! This week, Angelina and J. Lo share one cover, while Suri Cruise gets her own. The rest are dominated by the Spears clan: Britney, Jamie Lynn, Sean and Jayden. Our own amazing Intern Sharon helps us play the tabloid board game, where you win by finding good gossip. How do OK, Life & Style, Star, In Touch and Us score? Find out, after the jump.

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Us
"The Littlest Victims." When Britney taught a dance class recently, the kids thought she was nice and would make a great mom. Meanwhile, K-Fed won't let her talk to her sons. Some random doctor says the situation is detrimental to the kids because they're gonna think that their mother is dead. But Brit is motivated to get her kids back now because she's surrounded by the love and support of her parents. She's cooking, cleaning and Adnan is allowed to visit. Also: A source says she may be ready to admit to the judge that she has a mental health problem. Also inside: Sources think Tony Romo and Jessica Simpson may get married. Lastly, news from The Hills: Lo will live with Lauren and Audrina; Jason Wahler is banned from his fiancée's apartment building because he called one of the security guys the N-word. Ass.
Grade: D- (Checkers)

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In Touch
"Secret Double Life." Jamie Lynn: Not that innocent! Four guys could be the father of her child: Casey, some unnamed Nickelodeon exec, a friend of Lil' Romeo's, or Lil Romeo. Casey apparently cheated on her, so she turned to some other dude; now he's scared he might be the daddy. Drama! Also inside: Lindsay spent $315,000 on rehab, but she's still partying! She's been sneaking sips of wine under the table and went to a party at the Beverly Hills Hotel where "people were smoking pot and doing coke all night." While on tour, Posh was slim at 98 lbs., but lost even more and would slump on the bed due to exhaustion after shows. Also: Vanessa Minnillo has a job! She's going to start filming a movie called Redefining Love, yawn; Johnny Depp will narrate the journals of a paralyzed brain-injured 22-year-old on an episode of This American Life. And Colin Farrell, reformed? "I'd rather be home with my boy than out on the town," he says. His son, James, has Angleman Syndrome. Plus: Can Britney's hair be saved? She's got like 5 inches of her own tresses now. While promoting her stoopid film, Eva Longoria wore 8 outfits in one day. Lastly: "The List" this week is "Hollywood's Most Stylish Kids." Included: Lourdes Ciccone, Brooklyn Beckham, Ming and Aoki Lee Simmons; Kingston Rossdale is number one.
Grade: D (Sorry)

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OK!
"Finally Her Mom & Dad Lock Her Up!" Britney's parents have prevented her from drinking alcohol, seeing Alli Sims and Sam Lutfi, and Brit must pray in her pajamas before going to bed every night at 11 p.m. Her dad Jamie picks out her clothes and brushes her hair. Brit tried to text Alli to meet her at Fred Segal but Jamie nixed that: "Few people know it, but it was Alli who introduced Sam into Britney's life," says a source. Also inside: When the Spice Girls were in New York, while the other ladies were "huggy and lovey" with each other, Posh was in her own world. Nicole Richie's post-pregnancy slim-down secret? Spanx, sometimes two at a time. Stars heart pricey hairdos: Jenny McCarthy spent $800 on highlights; Christina Ricci's cut cost $950; Eva Longoria paid $4,500 for styling by Ken Paves. There's six pages about how looking good is the best revenge so Jennifer Aniston is getting gorge for the benefit she's co-hosting with Brad and Angelina. Also: Jen's recent red carpet look cost about $2,685 while Angelina's was $31. Matthew McConaughey is getting pressure to pop the question from his baby mama, her mama and his mama. Ack! There's a two-page photo spread of all the ways Michelle Obama is the new Jackie O. Pearls! Preppy dresses! Hair flip! (Wonder where they got that idea??) Lastly: Celeb shoe sizes: Mary-Kate is a 5, Jessica Alba is an 8, Kate Winslet is a 10, Tyra wears 11. [Me too! Ugh. -Ed.]
Grade: C (Battleship)

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Life & Style
"Baby Crisis: Kidnap Threats/Angelina Collapses." Apparently at North Shore Hospital on Long Island, where J. Lo will be/is giving birth, all newborn babies are given tracking devices "that work exactly like a car LoJack." Kidnappers will be foiled! Meanwhile, on a flight from London to L.A., Angelina had swollen feet, a nosebleed and leg cramps before fainting in her seat. A random doc says she must have low blood pressure. A source says Angie refuses to let fatigue dictate her schedule. "She reminds herself that there are pregnant women who work in the fields for 10 hours a day, and then she feels guilty for even thinking about complaining." Also inside: Britney is acting normal now because her meds have kicked in. She's taking Risperdal, an anti-psychotic; Correctol, to combat the constipation from Risperdal; Rozarem, a sleep aid; and Seroquel, another anti-psychotic. Brit's one-year-old son Jayden "is always crying" and everyone thinks it's because of the instability in his life, but it could also be because he is A BABY. As for Jamie Lynn Spears, her mom forbade her to be seen in public with baby-daddy Casey Aldridge, but JLS did it anyway! And was drinking a Sonic milkshake! Plus: Justin Timberlake and Kate Hudson were seen having lunch at Whole Foods in NYC's Union Square, scandal! Lindsay Lohan's recording a new song called "I Miss You." (Is it about drugs and alcohol? Kidding!) There are two pages of Hollywood Cradlerobbers: Milo Ventimiglia, 30, is with Hayden Panettiere, 18; Brian Austin Green, 33, is boyfriend to Megan Fox, 21; Elle Macpherson, 44 is dating Vito Schabel, 21. Lastly, it seems that Lindsay Price and Brooke Hogan have had nose jobs.*
Grade: C+ (Trouble)

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Star
"Suri's Strange World!" Little Suri is being raised using 100% church methods, meaning lots of vitamins, never telling her no, and keeping her surrounded by fellow believers. Scientologists believe that babies are Thetans, who have lived for millions of years and already know everything. Tom and Katie don't raise their voices in front of her for fear that it will "break her spirit." Suri drinks barley juice, never watches TV, never has sugar and eats only organic, natural foods prepared by a chef. Her nannies are Scientologists too. Moving on! Ashton Kutcher told Rumer, Scout and Tallulah he'd be disappointed in them if he found out that they had fake IDs. Tobey Maguire is such a die-hard vegan he'll make make you leave your leather at the door. Spencer Pratt wants calf implants: He works out daily but can't bulk up his skinny legs, poor thing. Halle Berry makes everyone involved in her childbirth process (her baby daddy, mom and doctor) to carry a walkie-talkie. Matthew McConaughey and Camilla Alves didn't want to know the sex of their unborn child but the ultrasound technician accidentally spilled that the lil' bugger is a he. It's a boy! Matt often runs out to get Camilla's fave craving: Coconut cupcakes. While Jamie Lynn Spears was on the phone with her mom in L.A., she screamed, "I'm not pregnant!" Lynne Spears came home to find JLS wrapping Ace bandages around her belly to hide the bump. She's still partying and eating junk food, and when one friend said her new curves look good, JLS snapped, "Shut up." She also told another friend "I hate my body." Brit's dad Jamie doesn't think she is mentally ill, he just thinks she's been doing drugs. He also thinks all shrinks are quacks. Lastly: Will Brad and Angie have a $200 million prenup?
Grade: C+ (Clue)
*As seen here.

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DISCUSSION

ASmallTurnip
A Small Turnip

@TheFormerJuneBronson: I love it. Your son sounds awesome.

Just make sure you've got the camera nearby when he tries the chilli powder. Tee hee. Stupid kids.

Only, that's kind of me, too. About fifteen minutes ago, I was chopping rhubabrb, looked appraisingly at it, and popped a raw piece in my mouth. Yeah, not such a great idea. I'd like to be the kind of person who learns from her mistakes, but I think we all know that's not going to happen.

Still, at least life ain't boring.