This Week In Tabloids: 50 Cent's Dramatic Weight Loss & Royal Wedding FanFic

Memorial Day is right around the corner, and folks are selecting beach/plane/train reading. The editors at the celebrity weeklies seem to think we want loads of ladies in bikinis and detailed diet tips. Here’s the problem:

The diet/bikini stories this week were EVEN WORSE than usual. You’ll find C-List celebs and stale ideas. (Exercise paired with lean meat and salads? REVOLUTIONARY!) This week, if you want to read something good, we suggest you buy a book. And if you want to look at pictures, buy a picture book. Yes, it’s true: EVERY SINGLE MAGAZINE GETS AN F.

Ahead, Margaret and I critique In Touch, Star, Us, Ok! and Life & Style. Because someone has to.

Ok!
“Boob Jobs, Botox & Lipo”
Just so you know what kind of caliber story this is, the mag interviewed Heidi Montag’s plastic surgeon, Dr. Frank Ryan. He describes “trends” in plastic surgery and then there are captions about alleged procedures the stars have had. Cameron Diaz’s nose job is ancient news, as are Heidi’s multiple surgeries. Snooze. Moving on: At Shiloh’s birthday party, there will be lots of arts and crafts — and Johnny Depp might call Shiloh in character as Captain Jack Sparrow. Lucky duck! In Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart news, the copy here reads: “After recent tabloid stories painted Kristen as a sullen nag who delights in torturing a lovestruck Rob, he was ready to explode.” FYI: One tabloid which has reported that Kristen got pissed at Rob? Ok! Oh, and the mag notes that he is as “wildly romantic as Edward Cullen.” Kendra’s her ex-manager is the one trying to sell the sex tape — but in cahoots with her ex-boyfriend. But didn’t we hear that Kendra’s getting money for the deal? Lastly: Can you imagine Justin Bieber as a movie star? This Photoshoppy spread should help. (see image 7)
Grade: F (toxic medical waste)

Us
Wading through 30 pages of “hot bodies” is seriously a chore. The “bikini secrets” here are pretty “duh.” Beyoncé eats six daily mini-meals of fruit and protein; Lauren Conrad eats six small meals which total 1500 calories; Jennifer Aniston hits the treadmill or Stairmaster for an hour daily and eats pureed papaya, pineapple and mango; Kim Kardashian eats low carb meals and takes QuickTrim. Then there are “Hottest New Mamas” who are “peeling off the pregnancy pounds.” And in the 30 pages chock-full of of swimsuit photos and diet tips, there are 3 pages of shirtless guys — “Hollywood Hunks.” Want to know what the Glee kids looked like in high school? Check out image 8. Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are renewing their vows on June 5 — their sixth anniversary. Marc says: “We realized the bets in Vegas on whether we’d make it stopped at five years, so we’re really looking forward to this one.” Bret Michaels says: “I just want to rock.” An “insider” suggests that Kelly Bensimon’s weird outburst on Real Housewives might have been the result of mixing valium with booze. There’s a handy timeline of Lindsay Lohan’s recent hijinks in the mag: Sunday, May 16, she arrived in Cannes. Monday she tripped on the stairs and fell down at a party. Tuesday she slept all day. Wednesday she made a move on actor Dominic Cooper — and at 3:15am she led him off the dancefloor, and they vanished for 90 minutes. When they came back, he was wearing her hat. At 9:30am she went to the airport without her passport and claimed it was stolen. On Thursday she went yacht-hopping — and an arrest warrant was issued. On Friday, she was spotted dancing on a banquette and “more yacht parties!” Saturday, “more yacht soirees.” Then she departed from France and landed in LA. At 8:30AM on Monday, she “smirked and rolled her eyes as the judge ordered her to wear an alcohol-monitoring bracelet.” Lastly: 50 Cent is in a movie about football player who gets cancer, so he has lost 54 lbs. He looks scary. (see image 9)
Grade: F (beach littered and polluted with raw sewage )

Life & Style
“Get A Bikini Body Now.”
Margaret doesn’t like the sisterly butt rubbing happening on the cover; I don’t like the “now” part of getting a bikini body. Like, if I snap my fingers, will it appear? No? Then STFU. Unless the editors mean for me to cut out this picture of Kim Kardashian and use it as my bikini body. Take it to the beach. Or to parties. Someone will ask, “Where is your bikini body?” And I’ll say “Oh, it’s in my bag, let me get it.” Anyway. Four pages of pictures of celebrities in bikinis. And then a calendar with tips about how to lose 12 lbs. in 3 weeks: First, you visualize your “beach body.” On day 2, you “purge” your kitchen. By day 16, you’re disguising your “problem areas” and on day 22, it says: “Still not bikini ready? Don’t fret: Buy a one piece!” Uh, thanks. And by the way: On the cover, it reads: “Mariah’s upset about her weight gain” and “Beyoncé hates her belly fat.” But inside, there are zero quotes from these two stars — instead, the magazine talks shit about their bodies. Moving on: Sandra Bullock was “betrayed again,” this time by George Lopez, who maybe cheated on his wife. LA psychotherapist Jen Berman says: “Sometimes when a man cheats, the sense of betrayed is felt not only by his wife but by close friends.” Kendra has signed a deal with a tabloid magazine to do a workout DVD, so the next time you see fitness “tips” in Ok!, think of them as an ad. New relationship alert: Britney Spears “may have her eye” on Ryan Steigl, who is her sober companion. Angelina Jolie needed two reshoots for her upcoming summer cover of Vanity Fair: She looked “a little haggard” and “worn out,” according to an insider. She does have six kids! When asked which Sex And The City character she is, Kim Kardashian said she’s a Charlotte: “It’s scary — we’re like twins.” Yeah… Not seeing it. Modern Family‘s Julie Bowen says she is Stanford Blatch. And no one wants to be Miranda. Sigh. Lady Gaga is juggling two men! She “cozied up” to Swedish ice hockey star Peter Forsberg when her tour hit Stockholm, and after the show, they went clubbing all night. Jon Gosselin didn’t know his kids went on vacation until he read it on the internet, so the headline here is “Kate STEALS The Kids Behind Jon’s Back.” Lastly: Is Glee in crisis? Amber Riley, aka Mercedes, says: “It’s a lot of work. It’s a lot of rehearsing. A lot of dancing. A lot of singing. Sometimes a lot of crying.” Awwww. She also says: “I don’t think any of us have time to party. Any party we go to, it’s like Fox telling us to go.”
Grade: F (slimy pool gunk)

In Touch
“Fooled By His Lies.”
Ugh, this cover just seems designed to make Sandra feel like shit. An insider says of the Nightline interview, “In a way, Jesse [James] was testifying, and the jury consisted of one person — Sandra.” Apparently, Sandra is a “wreck” and has not been eating (see image 10) — which could be true, but also, in one picture, she is wearing a push-up undergarment and a bubble dress. So. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have always said they they take turns making movies so that one person can be with the kids while the other is working and they’re both not working at the same time. Yet! According to a friend, Angelina “went through the roof” when she found out that Brad would be producing and probably starring in an upcoming film called The Tiger, shooting in Siberia in 2011. A “friend” says he wants Angelina to take some time off now. Moving on: Kris Jenner is the “stage mother from hell” and has been “steering” her three older daughters “from obscurity to superstardom.” She basically forced Kim to hang out with Paris Hilton — a big star back then — and make sure they were photographed together. And Kris makes decisions about the girls’ lives, including who they date. She orchestrates their love lives to make good TV — and she’s urging Khloe to have a baby with Lamar. She thinks she’ll make little Kendall and Kylie even bigger stars.
Grade: F (hairy, food-filled sink clog)

Star
“Wedding Of The Century!”
Eight pages of elaborate royal wedding planning! The rumor that there might be an engagement announcement in the first week of June has been floating around for a while — and it’s repeated here. Prince William and Kate Middleton are not, repeat, not engaged. Yet this is one of the most detailed wedding stories we’ve ever read. The mag claims the wedding will happen “months from now,” but doesn’t give a specific date, so it may never be proven wrong! Prince Harry will be the best man, and Kate’s sister Pippa will be the maid of honor. Guests at this hypothetical ceremony include Michelle Obama (the President might attend as well), Elton John, Phil Collins, Paul McCartney, Kelly Osbourne, Jay-Z and Beyoncé, Shania Twain and Nicole Richie. The last four of those were involved in the Prince’s charity, but Margaret thinks there’s no way Nicole Richie is invited. Kate’s brother James owns a bake shop, so he’ll make the cake for this imaginary wedding — which is taking place at St. Paul’s Cathedral. Cake ingredients include raisins, currants and brandy. Yes, they really printed what COULD be in the cake of an as-yet-to-be-planned wedding. It goes on like this, fanfic style:

“Guests will feast on salmon from Balmoral Castle in Scotland, lamb from the farm at Windsor Castle; an eye-popping spread of fruit from the Queen’s other homes, and more of the most mouth-watering delicacies Britain has to offer.”

This story is fleshed out with a recap of Prince Charles and Lady Di’s wedding, and we learn that Kate will wear Diana’s tiara and veil. Plus! Her ring will be made from gold “mined at the River Mawddach in North Wales.” And! Let’s hope the Prince doesn’t read Star, because Kate is getting him a “surprise” gift: A polo pony. Moving on: A surgeon who does not treat her thinks Nicole Kidman “definitely” had her boobs done. (See image 11, and while you’re at it, check out Nene’s new nose.) The Beckham family recently acquired a female bulldog puppy and Victoria had the dog’s nails painted pink. Sandra Bullock and her step-daughter Sunny had lunch at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills — and apparently no one saw this except for Star. At lunch, Sandy and Sunny were dressed alike and played with an Etch-A-Sketch. Jamie Lynn Spears has broken up with businessman James Watson — they were dating for five months and he’s 10 years older than she is — because she started looking into buying a house in Nashville and recording a country album but he hates country music. Blind item! “This goody two-shoes Oscar winner has a naughty secret — a stash of sex tapes she made with her last lover that she watches now and then. And her current bf isn’t invited to her very private screenings.” We’re guessing Reese Witherspoon made some videos with Jake Gyllenhaal? Audrina Patridge whitens her teeth too much, and her dentist has told her if she doesn’t stop with the home bleaching, they may start to crack. Courtney Cox might be cheating on David Arquette with one of her co-stars, which makes Jennifer Aniston “caught in the middle.” And a source says: “After what Jen experienced with Brad and Angelina, she is really wary of people getting close to their costars.” Kelly Preston did IVF and is now expecting twin boys. Finally: This dude who dated Kristin Davis between 1988 and 1992 says: “Charlotte is totally different from the person I knew.” Maybe because Charlotte is a FICTIONAL CHARACTER? Then he spills sketchy, sexual details about their relationship. Gah.
Grade: F (dustbin of rubbish, old boy, cheerio)

From Ok!

From Us

From Us

From In Touch

From Star