Today is Left-Handers Day , a very special annual holiday during which left-handed people are encouraged to force right-handed people to do everything their way. (At least according to the event's website. This is really official, okay?)
But instead of asking 90 percent of the population to switch hands — because that would be like the time my first grade teacher told me "life would be easier" if I learned how to be right-handed, which was fucked up — let's just take this occasion to acknowledge that left-handed people are THE BEST. (And I'm not just saying that because my coworker Erin and I are part of the lucky 10 percent.)
Maybe some of you aren't planning on taking Left-Handers Day very seriously. That would be a grievous mistake. Left-handed people have to go through a lot of shit, okay? We struggle with desks and spiral notebooks and scissors and guitars. We get a lot of ink on the outside of our left hand and dream about coloring inside the lines without smudging. (We do not mix well with markers.) No one wants to sit next to us and our left elbows at the dinner table.
Throughout history and in almost every culture, left-handed people are traditionally considered weird and/or Satanic. The Oxford English Dictionary, for example, defines left-handed as meaning crippled, defective, awkward, clumsy, inapt, characterized by underhanded dealings, ambiguous, doubtful, questionable, ill-omened, inauspicious, and illegitimate. (Sheesh.) The devil always sits on your left shoulder, is what I'm saying. Studies show that we die earlier and are more likely to become alcoholics, schizophrenic, delinquent, and dyslexic.
BUT! Left-handed people are also more likely to be, as I stated previously, THE BEST. Here's a very incomplete list of famous left-handed ladies:
Joan of Arc
Ruth Bader Ginsberg
Five out of our last seven presidents have been left-handed. 1 in 4 Apollo astronauts were left-handed, as were 4 of the 5 original designers of the Macintosh computer. Studies show that there are more left-handed people with IQs over 140 than right-handed people; Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, and Benjamin Franklin were all left-handed.
Plus: left-handed women are sexier, smudged handwriting and all. It's just a fact.
Give your favorite left-handed person a giant hug today (or shake their left hand, for once?), if you're not too jealous of their GIGANTIC BRAINS, and tell them you hope they'll never change.