This Vagina Was worth $25,000 For 10 Whole Minutes

Shacarye Tims’ vagina may not be the richest in the world, but for several glorious moments it was (at least) well-to-do as it held a Rolex in its clutches. A stunning feat of both thievery and excellent muscle control.

Tims was arrested last week after her awful plan of stealing a man’s watch and then beating him over the head when he chased her was proven to be both unwise and unprofitable. And worst of all? It happened at a Holiday Inn.

The victim, who has remained unidentified, met Tims at a bar and invited her up to his place (room 237 at the Holiday Inn, conveniently located next to the ice machine) for some wild and reckless loving. Tims, however, had her eye on only one thing: The man’s shiny Rolex, which DNA Info reports she convinced her hook-up to take off while they were engaging in sexual congress. Because it was scratching her. Which is totally a lie, because Rolexes are very smooth and if she didn’t want to arouse suspicion Tims should have told her victim that it was the glare of the glass and diamonds (and whatever else they put in those watches) that was bothering her.

The man placed his watch on the nightstand (awful) and noticed that it was missing several minutes later. When he mentioned this to Tims, she suggested that it had fallen behind the stand and took off running when he bent down to look for it, her vaginal canal full of Rolex. (I keep using the name so much because I once knew someone who owned a Rolex and when I said “nice watch” he corrected me and told me it was a timepiece.) (I hated that guy.) (Relevant.)

Tims’ victim gave chase, of course, and the two collided in the lobby where Tims beat the man over the head and tried to get away (because she seems like an awful person). When police arrived, they searched Tims and found the Rolex inside her vagina. That’s great and all, but I have questions: What the fuck was this woman wearing that she could so quickly stuff a watch into her gentles and then take off running with confidence? It couldn’t have been a sheet! And how exactly did she slip the watch into her private area with no one noticing? Is she a close-up magician or what? How many kegels do you need to do to get that kind of control? Can you do it with a butt?

Unfortunately, this is not Tims’ first crime (and not even the first time someone has put a watch in their vagina in the past year). She’s due in court for both this case, as well as an incident in September where she stole a man’s credit cards and withdrew money from the ATM as he slept.