That sound you hear? The one that sounds like glass breaking softly into a thousand pieces? That's this kid's innocence being crushed into the fine dust that will settle on him as unending disappointment. Because today this boy became a man. Today, he's 300% done with life. This kid? He. Can't. Even.

I don't know what you were thinking kid, but you certainly weren't getting ready for a harsh life lesson when you put your delicious cup o' noodles (probably not even Nissin) into the microwave without putting any water in. What I do know is what your face looked like when the cup heated up, began to smoke and then erupted into flames. I know because it's the same look I had when I decided to make cake out of fruit loops. When I put an entire mess of them into a bowl and then stuck them into the microwave, expecting them to come out delicious and beautifully iced.

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No one was there to capture my moment of desperation as I ran around the empty apartment in my underwear, screaming and trying to put the fire out with a wet towel โ€” so the memory's a little dampened for me now. For you, however, this snapshot will serve as a lifelong reminder of the exact minute โ€” the exact second โ€” that you learned that life wasn't fair and that it couldn't be beaten. The moment you turned 45.

I'm sorry. Good luck anyway.

Image via Imgur