Social media wars are as American as apple pie and ignoring our deeply flawed national history. Forget baseball: This is our national pastime now. On Monday this week, a reality television heavyweight went up against a scrappy young upstart in a battle that you truly have to see to believe. In this, the first installment of Celebrity Fight Referee, we'll systematically determine a winner.
Let's take a look at the players, shall we?
IN THE RED CORNER: Amber Rose
Born: 1983, South Philadelphia
Became Famous When: She dated Kanye West and he licked her bald head on camera
Famous Ex-Boyfriend: Kanye West
Famous Ex-Husband: Wiz Khalifa
Number of Twitter Followers: 2.56 million
Also Known For: Being a MILF on Instagram
Number of Bald Heads: One
AND IN THE BLUE CORNER: Khloé Kardashian
Born: 1984, Los Angeles
Became Famous When: Her mother leveraged her sister's leaked sex tape into a reality television show
Famous Ex-Boyfriend: French Montana
Famous Ex-Husband: Lamar Odom
Number of Twitter Followers: 12.7 million
Also Known For: "Developing" an ass as big as her sister's
Number of Extraneous Accent Marks: One
First up at bat, it's Amber Rose, who last week appeared on Power 105.1 to give the old publicity train a ride. During the interview, she was asked about the reported relationship between 25-year-old rapper Tyga and 17-year-old Kylie Jenner. The question was somewhat relevant to Amber because during the offseason of her marriage to Wiz Khalifa, she and Blac Chyna (the ex-girlfriend/mother of Tyga's child) became close friends.
"She's a baby, she needs to go to bed at 7 o'clock and relax," Rose said of Jenner. "That's ridiculous. [Tyga] should be ashamed of himself. For sure. He has a beautiful woman and a baby and left that for a 16-year-old who just turned 17."
Let's get an instant replay on deck and examine the footage.
Amber was specifically asked about their relationship. Although the Kim and the Kardashian family were brought up during the interview, Amber really only mentioned them in response to specific questions. Also, n otice that Amber comes in with an excellent strategy. She doesn't place the blame on Kylie. She correctly calls out the grown man in this situation who should know better and is possibly exploiting the naiveté of a teenager.
To any sane person, her statement makes perfect sense and, frankly, is a much tamer response that I would have been able to muster in a similar situation.
Ruling: Ten Points to Gryffindor/Amber
Khloé comes in with an ill-advised offensive strategy.
I'm going to have to say that Khloé fumbled the ball here. Your sister has a career at 17 in large part because her older sister made a sex tape. That is the only reason. Khloé basically kicked the ball into her own net by asserting that "people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." Furthermore, in absolutely no universe is being a stripper comparable to ephebophilia.
I will allow Khloé a timeout to get her shit together.
TIMEOUT'S OVER. PLAY BALL.
After a brief pause, Khloé rejoins the game with a much smarter defensive tactic.
I will allow Khloé to make this pass.
However, she loses points from Judge Number Three (also me) for still not really making any goddamn sense. Amber is best friends with Blac Chyna, who almost certainly has insight into the situation. It's not as if Amber is getting her intel solely from blogs—she's getting it from the source. Khloé does sort of have a point about not commenting on the personal lives of people they don't know, but I'm giving her some Shade Court level side-eye for all that "high road" talk.
Ruling: Field goal for Khloé
That was an excellent tackle for Amber, but I do have to question her use of the word "whore." It's just unseemly: Having a sex tape or being a stripper doesn't make a woman a whore. I understand what she's getting at but had she included an adjective in front of the word—i.e. "attention whore" or "media whore," she might have gotten away with it.
Ruling: Penalty flag
TOUCHDOWN. ACE. GOOOOAAAAALLLLLL. SLAM DUNKITY DUNK.
"Don't Panic" is the title and chorus of a song by rapper French Montana, who happens to be both Khloé's ex-boyfriend and a good friend of Amber's. This comeback is pithy, pointed, and hilarious. This is what Twitter was made for. The number of levels to this two word comeback is staggering. One day, we'll be telling your children about this display of smart-ass athleticism.
Ruling: Nothing but net
Khloé hit that one straight into the net. No, you did not explicitly call her a whore, but you did imply that she should be ashamed of her past. You weren't bringing that shit up to give us her bio. WEAK THROW, GIRL. That being said, this clearly is the best she could hope to do after that monster play by Amber.
Khloé ended up deleting this Tweet, so I'm inclined to disqualify her completely. On one hand, it's good to know when you're spent. Still, you never know what could happen! It's best to play your hardest until the very end.
What I can sort of respect is that Khloé clearly recognized that she had gotten got and at least tried to give her opponent some props. It made her look quite weak, but perhaps this is her version of a rope-a-dope.
Ruling: Five minutes in the penalty box for Khloé
Amber rolls in with a new game plan: Memes
Memes are... a crapshoot. Not a dependable game plan, ladies.
Ruling: Amber receives a cumulative score of 6.9 from the judges table
One thing I will give Khloé is that the girl knows her lane. She understands her strengths and weaknesses and plays the game with those in mind. She's not slick enough to go toe-to-toe with Amber, so she pulls out an old Kardashian standard: Any publicity is good publicity.
Ruling: Layup for Khloé
Amber could have walked away with a win from the judge's table but she's going for a total knockout. Risky move. This is where many elite players get hurt—see, for example, Azealia Banks in literally all of her Twitter fights.
Amber is trying to use Khloé's own team against her. It's a smart move, but if Kanye decides to get off the bench and suit up, there's no telling which way this game will go.
Lucky for Amber, Kanye stayed out of it and just kept on tweeting about his new sneakers.
Amber just decides to blitz this shit with a combination of tweets and Instagram posts. She's hitting aces with nobody on the other side of the net.
I know I said I wanted a good clean fight, but this woman just called Khloé the plastic daughter of OJ Simpson. Amber just earned her way into the Unnecessary Twitter Wars Hall of Fame.
Final Ruling: Amber Wins
Post-Game Press Conference
Look, Khloé did about as well as you would expect her to do. As Amber made very clear, she's from South Philly. Backing away from a fight ain't in her DNA. Khloé tried to play the game with technicalities and Twitter fundamentals. However, Amber had the brawn and the willingness to do absolutely whatever it took to win, and for that, she takes the Heisman Bowl Ring.
While Amber was victorious over Khloé, I do want everyone to remember the real and biggest loser in all of this is Tyga, who spent his morning trying to convince people that he didn't leave his wife and son for a teen girl.
Top images via Getty.