This Halloween, Take a Risk and Carve a God Damn Pumpkin

On Tuesday the US Consumer Product Safety Commission, known for its amusing homemade Twitter memes which I can never quite tell are accidentally goofy or sort of designed that way on purpose, gave a stern warning: beware of “pumpkin lacerations.”

Okay, sure.

Are cuts and injuries from carving Jack-O-Lanterns that big of a deal? According to a Consumer Reports article from last year, an assistant clinical professor at NYU Langone Medical Center, Stuart J. Elkowitz, M.D., says he sees “approximately three to five injuries in adults and children” a year due to pumpkin carving. The most common accidents are reportedly stab wounds to fingers and the palm, but of the worst of it can result in nerve and tendon damage.

Carve a giant pumpkin with a chainsaw for all I care!

But I say, this Halloween, take a god damn risk. It’s a day for wearing questionable costumes and celebrating pure evil anyway, right? Carve a giant pumpkin with a chainsaw for all I care! Bite straight into an apple a neighbor just gave you, razor blades be damned! If you’re a virginal teenage girl with slutty friends, take a babysitting job on Halloween night and try out some next-level booby trapping techniques.

Halloween is for spooking yourself and what could be spookier than losing a hand while trying to carve a pumpkin?