Esquire UK just released their special
Dead Dudes Who Can Get It "Icons of Style" issue, featuring the beautiful visages of Paul Newman, James Dean, Jean-Paul Belmondo and Elvis. Being the horny thirst witches that we are, the covers got us thinking—what dead guys would we take to the bone zone, assuming, OF COURSE, that we could bring them back from the dead and experience them at their prime? Here, from the sad perverts of Jezebel dot com, are our choices.
"Humphrey Bogart, because duh." — Anna Merlan
"River Phoenix because have you ever seen his face and bod?" — Julianne Escobedo Shepherd
"Jim Kelly circa Enter the Dragon because I'm almost certain his martial arts strength would come in handy. The chest soul patch is a bonus." — Clover Hope
"James Spader in Pretty in Pink. I know he's not dead, but hot twentysomething James Spader calling Andie a 'bitch' with a cigarette hanging out of his mouth will never be again, and I mourn that every day." — Erin Gloria Ryan
"No, Erin. They need to be dead. Like dead dead." — Madeleine Davies
"Fine. Thomas Jefferson." — Erin Gloria Ryan
"Clark Gable, but maybe only in Gone with the Wind, and yes, I'm sure my therapist would have thoughts about that choice." —Kate Dries
"I feel like my submissions are really basic." —Kate Dries
"Lev Vygotsky. Super hot, also super knowledgeable about kids in case we decided to settle down somewhere, you know?" — Mark Shrayber
"JOHANNES BRAHMS." — Ellie Shechet
"I would like to nominate Vintage Activist Malcolm X because he was the original bad boy turned intellectual giant with which you could have coffee and hot thought provoking conversation. From his uncompromising views on the world to the way he publicly eviscerated his hopeful contemporaries, often on live television, Malcolm X is the guy I'd snuggle with after the revolution. All. Day. Not to mention, yo, he was all kinds of hot. I know we shouldn't think of him that way but ... Detroit Red could get it." — Hillary Crosley
"The skeleton of a Viking that I saw at a museum once." — Kelly Faircloth
"Gregory Peck circa Spellbound because doy-yoy-yooooing." — Madeleine Davies
"Former President Rutherford B. Hayes, because his name should really be Rutherford B. HAAYYYY GUURRRRL. Not when he was President, though." — Colin Pinkham
"Dead dudes I would effffff: Jim Morrison :( Even when he was drowning in coke bloat" —Natasha Vargas-Cooper
"Marlon Brando always seemed masculine almost to the point of being scary—but sexy/scary. Definitely more sexy than scary." — Kara Brown
"I thought of one. The Quaker Oat guy." — Jia Tolentino
Nick Denton, please fire all these freaks.
Images via Esquire, Wikipedia, the magic of Cinema.