A man in Arizona spiritually and emotionally attacked me and created yet another unrealistic expectation for car passengers everywhere when he affixed this undeniably chic skeleton to the passenger seat of his car in an attempt to be able to use the HOV lane undisturbed.
Considering I live in a city with a public transportation infrastructure that is physically crumbling beneath my feet, the urge to get a car grows stronger and stronger within me everyday. However, the one thing that stops me are the cold-sweats I wake up in after having nightmares about learning to drive in South Florida and sitting in traffic, which is itself a waking nightmare.
So, I totally get the motivations of this unnamed 62-year-old man in Arizona who tied a skeleton (fashion icon) to his passenger seat which he hoped would allow him to zip past the hellscape that is other people on the road. However, I just can’t believe he would create a faux-passenger so exceptional it would leave me muttering, “sorry I can’t be her” under my breath as I read the news.
Let’s break it down.
First there’s the bucket hat which, sure, at first glance maybe reads a little 2019 to me, but is nevertheless a trend I was never able to successfully able to pull off. Then there’s the kind of frayed organza blouse moment, which is giving me major Alexander McQueen Savage Beauty vibes, again something I could never get away with.
Looking a little further south you realize, oh my god, the bottom half is just a cooler, which means that not only are there always snacks available, but they’re snacks that can only be consumed by the driver because the passenger is literally a skeleton. Famously, any food that’s within my reach in a car is technically my food and no one else who’s along for the ride ever stood a chance at so much as a nibble. Then you can take into consideration that no one is ever passenger-seat driving or trying to steal the aux cord.
It’s an unbeatable combination of characteristics the likes of which I’ll never be able to live up to.
On one hand, I applaud the man for his attempt at rewriting the rules of the road, primarily because I’m not a driver in the state of Arizona and am therefore entirely unaffected by his actions. But on the other, I am deeply, deeply saddened by the fact that I’ll no longer be able to enjoy a road trip without wondering whether or not the person in the driver seat will be sitting with their hands at ten and two, wishing they were seeing a bucket hat in their periphery, as opposed to my profile, shoveling Doritos into my mouth and refusing to share.