These Jeans Have a Secret Hiding Place for the Penis and Nuts

Men. Are you tired of “scrunching, squishing, squashing or splitting” the goods when you try to wear pants? Are your skinny jeans so tight that you’re now a natural soprano? Do you have to store your dick in your butthole so you can squeeze into your favorite khakis?

Well, what if a pair of pants was designed with a pouch for your delicate dong and its tender twins! Would you be into that? This is a serious question?

Octavio Marc David Silva, creator of the Hot Child Junk jeans, think you would be. He writes on his Kickstarter:

This is not rocket science. It’s simply the long overdue correction in a design flaw that we as men have been enduring for many decades. The Hot Child Junk, jeans are made for all of us. They are no more different than how the fashion industry caters to a woman’s anatomy, (darts in blouses, bras, etc.)

I personally got tired of being uncomfortable. So for the past six years I have been working feverishly towards this goal with an amazing team of people. Building the perfect jean, finding the perfect weight of denim, with just the right amount of Lycra (2%), to make them exquisitely comfortable. But the real trial and error was the design of the contour in the fly, even down to the rounded gusset (diamond shaped fabric piece)) underneath the crotch, so that a man’s anatomy will fall forward into the contour/pouch naturally, and not be forced to either side as they are accustomed to.

OK, the idea isn’t terrible (I don’t think? Gentlemen, is this a real problem?), but the design with the buttons running the length of the penis is… decidedly Miami. I’m just not sure if this unique look is for every man. However, maybe with the success of the trouser snake-housing trousers, we’ll see more designs in the future?