There's More Where This Disgusting, Hilarious Kleenex Review Came From

Anyone who’s ever lived under the same roof with a teenaged boy is familiar with some of the more…awkward facets of that experience. Puberty’s hard on everyone, even the bystanders. Which is perhaps why this Amazon review of Kleenex tissues—titled “a mother’s struggle”—is currently going viral on Twitter.

Read it and cringe:

I want to start this off by thanking Kleenex for selling these in 36-packs. I’ve put it on subscription, and if they want to start selling a 72-pack, sign me up. I have three reasons for needing this much Kleenex, and their names are Liam, Samuel and Hank.

This is how it goes in this house. First the Kleenex disappears. Then the toilet paper. Then they go for fabrics. And you don’t want it to get there, unless you’re ready to invest in a five gallon drum of Fabreeze.

This used to be a good Christian home. But it’s not about moral judgment anymore. I’m way beyond that. I’m in survival mode. If I don’t supply absorbent paper products, I’m going to find my dish towels hidden in the basement, stiff as aluminum. The other day, I almost cut my hand on a sock. I am sorry to speak so frankly, but with three teenage boys, a woman has got to be practical.

The funny part is, they think they’re being sneaky, with their 45 minute showers and sudden need for “privacy”, as if I’m going to walk in on them journaling. They slink around the house like unfixed cats, while I try to announce my location at all times. No one needs to ask me to knock anymore. I knock on the walls. I practically wear a cow bell. I’m not looking to catch anyone by surprise, believe me. I’m just trying to get through this.

The other day my husband was watching me unload the groceries, and he asks me, all sweetness and light, “Honey, what’re you doing with all that Kleenex?”

I about knocked him off his chair.

Before you start feeling too sorry for this long-suffering mom, it turns out the author is actually James O. Thach, a smart-ass who gets his kicks writing satirical Amazon reviews. (His antics have previously gotten him write-ups at CBS News and the Belfast Telegraph.)

So there’s way more where that Kleenex review came from. For instance, here is his review of a “Male Power Mens Black Collared Body Harness Mankini“:

As a traffic court judge, I cannot say enough good things about this Mankini. It lets me luxuriate in my silky vestments while still upholding the dignity of court. It’s snug, but never confining. And after listening to seven hours of testimony about illegal u-turns, that slim thong back is the only thing between me and insanity.

I know I’ll never look at Law and Order reruns the same way again.

There’s enough on his author page to burn a good two hours. And let’s face it, it’s not like you were going to get anything else done today.