There's A Sucker Born Every Minute: Cellulite Edition

Illustration for article titled There's A Sucker Born Every Minute: Cellulite Edition

I hate to break it to you, people, but you will get cellulite. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life. I never really thought about cellulite, because I didn't have any. "I work out! I'm in my 20s!" I thought, foolishly. Then earlier this summer I realized an ever-so-subtle dimpling on the backs of my thighs. And you know what? It didn't really bother me, because I realized that cellulite, like death and taxes, are part of the female existence. As the Wall Street Journal notes, for decades doctors, experts and scads of pyramid scheme enthusiasts have been looking for a cellulite salve, and found none. Not that it stops them from inventing new "techniques," like the laser treatment touted by Kim Kardashian and thoroughly debunked by actual doctors quoted in the Journal.Though laser treatments like the one our Kim experienced will provide a temporary respite from a dimpled behind, cellulite can reappear "within hours or days," and Robert A. Weiss, president-elect of the American Society for Dermatologic Surgery, tells the Journal, "There's nothing that has been shown in any objective way to create improvement for cellulite." I looked up "cellulite" in the New York Times archive and found this article from 1984 about how the FDA tried to crack down on "what it describes as fraudulent medical devices that represent a waste of money," including "Waist wraps, vibrating belts and sauna suits." Well apparently FDA hurdles are pretty low these days, as "The agency determines whether a device temporarily reduces the appearance of cellulite through the use of a mechanical massager, but doesn't evaluate the efficacy of any additional technology," the Journal reports. Basically, if you're fool enough to spend money on these various apparatuses, the FDA won't stop you, and since they're not bad for your health, they shouldn't really try to. In fact, the Journal reports that, "The market for cellulite-fighting equipment is expected to grow to $200 million a year by 2012 from $80 million last year." If that's the case, then I have a brand new and highly effective cellulite treatment in my freezer…just give me some investment capital and I promise you'll have a dimple free behind a quarter to never. The Latest Cellulite Treatments Sound Too Smooth To Be True [WSJ] U.S. Starts Warnings On Health 'Money Wasters' [NYT] Earlier: Kim Kardashian Is Keeping Up With Her Cellulite




I'm with you. If women stopped giving this sh*t any energy, though, I think the entire economy would stop in its tracks. Companies sure make a lot of $$ off of our body-angst.

@aabbbiee: Yep, me too.

As to all the comments about jowls... well I have to admit that kinda hits me where it hurts. Not because I hate my jowls, but because an ex-boyfriend did. Sheesh how pathetic am I or what.