The markets were bummed all day, then shot up at the end of the day when they finally realized the old Wall Street Journal wouldn't be around to point out the economy's shitty fundamentals or, like, stuff like Enron. Our day was similar in that the news was s...l...o...w, but then we found a completely Lindsay Lohan story that made it all worthwhile. A tip, readers: when the glass starts to look half-empty, that's when you refill the fucking glass. Without further ado, the headlines:
- The Bush Administration abuses power; veers closer to constitutional crisis; don't worry Rumsfeld doesn't work here anymore he's just visiting; etc. [Washington Post]
- No one is buying American cars anymore. [CNN]
- The kids can't read. [NY Times]
- But they're buying luxury goods more than ever thanks to the existence of such cultural gems as Laguna Beach! [CNN]
- With oil at nearly $80 a barrel... [Yahoo! Finance]
- What better time for Amtrak to point out how totally blitzed you can get on the train? [Washington Post]
- Britney Spears is preparing to sue to protect that sterling reputation. [CNN]
- Next time I feel like complaining about not getting laid I am going to remind myself that I am not trying hard enough. [The Smoking Gun]
- Scarlett is a fat hog and Sienna is a no-talent crackhead, but Lindsay Lohan is the best actress of her age. [PopCrunch]
- China is taking our economy away from us but on the upside they're also taking our scrap metal. [Huffington Post]
- Some people in New York who are just a little older than us manage to actually buy real estate in Harlem and when they do it is so momentous it gets written about in the New York Times [NY Times]
- At least 65 civilians were killed in Iraq today. [CNN]