The World Is Sexist, So I Can't Say Michelle Obama Looks Nice

Illustration for article titled The World Is Sexist, So I Can't Say Michelle Obama Looks Nice

Once upon a time, "sexism" used to mean that women were discriminated against and treated differently because of their gender. Now, it means "criticizing Sarah Palin for any reason." Along with Elisabeth Hasselbeck, the old, white man who heads the Republican Party thinks it's so sexist to question $150,000 in clothing purchases, and whether it's legal for the GOP to buy such things. (80% of Guardian readers think not!) It's probably also sexist to talk about Michelle Obama's cute outfit, except maybe not, because she's not Sarah Palin. The world is so confusing today that I've run back into the arms of my former Wonkette colleague, Jim Newell, who can comfort me with electoral maps, kitties and monocles.MEGAN: It's good to have the old gang back together! We should make it a point to talk about ass fucking. JIM: Please. Please no ass fucking. What a disgusting act. But yes, hello, Megan and friends here at the Jezebel. MEGAN: I'm sorry that the bad man did that to you that time. But that doesn't mean no one likes it. JIM: HAHAHA WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?? Tell me a political story. MEGAN: Sort of like I'm sorry that that Michelle had to submit to The Chin last night. Or the fact that "no one really knows how often electronic voting machines fail. The Election Assistance Commission—an independent governmental agency charged with establishing election standards—doesn't collect comprehensive statistics on failure rates". JIM: Hmm, is J. Crew a "good" political brand for Michelle Obama to sport, or does it make her seem fancy? Here's my answer: no one cares. MEGAN: That's because a dude tells us it's sexist to care. Which I guess makes all women sexist. Because I was like, what happened to White House Black Market? JIM: All this talk about voter irregularities. I'm led to believe that if I vote for Obama (btw, I'm not voting because I live in DC which will go 143% for Obama; sue me) a robot will jump out of a broken computer screen and chop off my head with acorns. There's way too much of this conspiratorial malarkey going around. Everyone knows that people will vote and whatever happens, George Bush will somehow win again. MEGAN: And we will all thank our robot overlords, bowing and scraping to their king, Dick Cheneybot 9000. JIM: This is never an auspicious start: "Republican [figure] called the media 'sexist' Monday..." MEGAN: But that is how everything starts now! Republicans care about us laydeez and how sexism affects our daily lives, like when we read media stories about Sarah Palin's clothes. Just not, you know, when we want insurance to cover our birth control or our bosses to pay us the same as our male colleagues doing the same work. That's just silly. Also, did you know that the head of the RNC was some guy named Mike Duncan? Didn't it used to be, like, famous Republicans and shit? No wonder their brand sucks. JIM: Yes, Ed Gillespie was the most famous person alive when he ran that little chop shop. I have no idea what this "Duncan" looks like. Maybe he is unattractive. MEGAN: Not to be sexist again but yes. JIM: Oh he's kind of cute. Hey so let's talk about abortion, specifically, how all Liberal ladies like to have them, all the time, for fun. This is why Liberals hate Sarah Palin, according to the National Review, in one of my favorite articles ever. Some loser argues that since Palin didn't abort her "Trigger," Liberals all RESENT HER FOR BEING MORAL. All I do now is read the National Review all day long. MEGAN: They are bringing the crazy like no one else this election year, it's true. JIM:

Seeing the Palin family, in a very visible public forum, with an uncompromising and public pro life philosophy arouses deeply repressed feelings in post abortive parents, as well as media members, counselors, health care professionals, politicians and others who promote abortion rights, especially the abortion of children with challenges such as Down Syndrome. These powerful repressed feelings of grief, guilt and shame can be deflected from the source of the wound (i.e., abortion) and projected onto an often uncharitable focus upon the trigger of these painful emotions…the Palin family.


Is this true, gals? MEGAN: I mean, obviously I'm just a quivering mass of grief, guilt and shame from the abortion I never had nor needed to have because my school saw fit to teach me about birth control, I have seen fit to use it even when insurance didn't cover it but did cover my colleagues' Viagra and because I've been damn lucky. Yes, deep quivering mass of shame, that's why everything I write is about how Sarah Palin is an annoying slag. I mean, if we're going to talk about misdirected anger, methinks some sort of National Review writer knows a little too much about what it feels like for a girl. JIM: I hope National Review goes under next, since we now have a magazine or newspaper imploding two or three times a day. Ha ha, "jobs," there are none. MEGAN: Well, Christopher Buckley "left" to save all those angry Republicans from canceling their subscriptions after his apostasy. So I guess that means it will survive or something. Sadly. JIM: Yeah, and now obviously he is the greatest person in Political History according to the liberal media. It's reminiscent also of how he "left" his bastard child son by disowning him and how WFB Jr. "left" the same bastard child no money in his will by claiming that the kid was DEAD TO HIM. MEGAN: Wow, it's obviously the kid's fault that his dad likes doinking publicists. Also, Anna just sent this to me as "breaking" news, but apparently a "top McCain adviser" — you know, one of the ones that convinced McCain to choose her — thinks that Palin is a "whack job". Good to know that they're not completely out of touch with reality. JIM: Ha ha, surely this person would say the exact same thing if McCain was winning the election. This is just more Mormon space espionage from the Romney loyalists. MEGAN: Well, if anyone knows about whack jobs from personal experience, it would be Mormons. And Romney loyalists. JIM: Hmm, well let's guess who this could be. My guess is: John McCain. MEGAN: OMG, that would be the best thing ever. Like, fuck my advisers shutting me off from the press, I'm going to sneak into the Straight Talk Potty and engage in some straight talk. JIM: My guess is: Michael Goldfarb. MEGAN: Anyone that likes Abba as much as Michael Goldfarb has no place calling Sarah Palin a whack job. Besides, he couldn't go back to his old job "writing" because love for Palin is the new litmus test. I'm betting it's a lobbyist. We're all wicked backstabbers. JIM: Well she wouldn't be such a whack job if they would LET HER FREE. Let's talk about the electoral map or something, speaking of whacking off. MEGAN: The electoral map? Man, I would've had more coffee if we were going to get down with The Math this early. And by "more" I mean "some." JIM: Ha ha I have had none! Anyway. Ahem: KERRY STATES +IA+NM+CO OR +FL OR +VA+NV+... Oh I can't do this either. But there are new shocking states at least make-believe "coming into play" every day. Arizona (angry Mexican spill over from NM/CA/CO) MEGAN: Dude, I suddenly live in a swing state. JIM: And the funny thing about that bad boy is that John McCain pretends to live there! MEGAN: When he really actually lives here! There's a reason that his campaign office is located in Arlington and not, say, Sedona, and that's because it makes it easy for him to walk to work, not that he does because his entourage drives the 3 blocks in their armored SUVs that get 8 mpg. JIM: Ha ha you live in the Racist Confederacy, this is true. You should come up to DC for Election Night though, to participate in the Race Riots! MEGAN: I'll head over to Rosslyn and live blog it burning from a safe distance. Luckily, everyone in D.C. is too gephyrophobic to come across the river. JIM: What is that fancy $50 Georgetown master's degree word you're throwing at me? MEGAN: Phobic of bridges. JIM: Oh. I could've guess that from context! I did poorly on the SAT. MEGAN: Bullshit, Mr. Ivy Grad. JIM: Tut tut now! MEGAN: Where's your monocle? JIM: Sssshhh I WILL PURCHASE YOU. And SELL YOU to THE ACORNS. MEGAN: Noes! not the ACORNS! Did they give you a cane with which to hit other staffers with at graduation? JIM: YES, that was the best story ever! How do you wake up this early, every morning. I would vote for that Republican, Wolf, because why not, that little twerp deserved a caning. MEGAN: Dude, I wake up at 7:30, curse the world, and try not to die of sleep deprivation. JIM: You grown-ups are weird.



Oh what fun! I'm so there!