The Winner (Loser?) Of The Absolute Worst Masturbation Story

The votes are in! And the runaway “winner” will surprise none of you…

For anyone who read with mounting sympathetic horror the triple whammy of Ken Doll + Pliers + DAD, it’ll come as no shock that “Ken” swept this field…beating out inadvertent performances, magnolia buds, clueless toddlers and lascivious stuffed animals. Herewith, the winning entry:

This is mortifying. I still shiver and block it out when the memory arises: I tended to use whatever was available at the age of 16; in my case, my little sister’s ken doll was just the right size. Being widely uneducated about how it all worked down there at that point, I would just sit on it and rock.

Well, we all know how easily those ken heads popped off…. yep. Into the the vajayjay. The problem was, I could not get it out myself. I flipped completely out, thoughts of it going up into my uterus and damaging my internal organs (again, not properly educated!) flying through my panic-induced brain.

What did I do? I told my mother. Took a deep breath, then blurted, “I was masturbating with a ken doll and the head came off inside me!”

The look on her face was a mixture of anger, disappointment and embarrassment. But she took me upstairs, and attempted to get it out. I was crying, mortified to the core.

It got worse. She couldn’t get it out. So she: got. my. FATHER.

…who then got his pliers. That worked.

Dad never talked about it again; mom walked out of the room, scolding me, saying “come talk to me next time you want to do that!”

At least I didn’t wind up at the hospital?

(Top that, someone. I dare you.)

…and no one did. The lucky(?) winner(?) is of course the recipient of a $50 gift certificate to Good Vibrations, in addition to a lifetime of cringe-inducing memories. So, stranger, come on up (anonymously, that is, and email us) and claim your well-earned prize!