The Veronica Mars Movie Will Be Available Online for Hermits

Good news, agoraphobes! Veronica Mars, the movie, will be available to stream online or rent on digital cable on March 14, the very same day it opens in about 270 theaters across these great United States.

Warner Bros., the studio behind Veronica Mars, announced the movie’s video on demand fate on Friday. Ordinarily, according to The Hollywood Reporter, exhibitors of a film wouldn’t allow such a practice — why drive to the movie and fight for decent seats when you can order takeout and stay in your pajamas? But Warner Bros. shrewdly rented out many of the (AMC) theaters Veronica Mars will be opening in, so there’s no real issue.

The movie theater is quickly dying, which is a shame because going to the movies is still — even with the mouth breathers and the pre-preview Kia commercials and the Styrofoam popcorn and the 14-year-olds giving each other handjobs in the middle row — fun. For most movies, though, it doesn’t make sense to rely exclusively on a stellar theatrical release. Better to make a movie available on video on demand while it’s still in theaters so those of us who’ve lost patience with the cineplex experience can enjoy our entertainment in the privacy of our own hovels.

Movies that get VODed seem, on the whole, not awesome, but the Veronica Mars movie’s awesomeness might not have anything to do with this decision — the series developed a cult following, and those cultists might be more inclined to buy the movie on digital cable or stream it from the internet if given the opportunity. If this strategy is successful, you can bet it’ll only be a matter of time until movie theaters start closing for good and people have even less reason for emerging from their homes. From there, it’s just a few hazmat spills in close proximity to animal shelters for the DOGPOCALYPSE, which is when feral dogs roam our abandoned streets, treating our empty malls, multiplexes, and office parks like toilets.