The Unintentionally Hilarious Language Of Cosmetics Marketing

Very rarely is the New York Times straight-up comedy, but today's story, "Let's Play Buzzword: Defining Phrases Used in Skin Care Advertising" is so friggin funny. Cosmetics companies sell creams with words like "advanced" "microlift" "nourishing" "bio-stimulating" and "revitalizing," but what do they mean? Does anyone know? Times writer Natasha Singer visited a Manhattan salon and asked some women for their definitions, then compared their translations of the mumbo-jumbo with official explanations from the cosmetics companies.For instance: Olay Regenerist claims it is "a deep penetrating moisturizer with Aquacurrent Science." Dyan Diaz, 30, says this means: "They are taking stuff out of the ocean like jellyfish and dissecting it and telling us it is good for your skin." Heh. Good guess! Actually, Olay claims, "Aquacurrent Science, the study of water movement in the skin and hair, helps create products with greater moisturization." Disappointing, huh, Dyan? Jellyfish gunk sounds way more effective. What about Clarins Younger Longer Balm, "with advanced neuro-cosmetic technology and rare concentrated botanicals, skin is revitalized"? Yeah, that's right. Neuro-cosmetic. Soline McLain, a 28-year-old law student, says: "I would think it has to do with the brain. It makes you smarter? I will put it on when I am studying for constitutional law." (Hahahahaha! It actually has to do with nerve endings in the skin.) As for Estée Lauder Re-Nutriv Ultimate Lifting skin care, "'Virtual immunity' means you'll see a noticeably more lifted look, a brilliant clarity, a newly refined smoothness." Virtual immunity. Virtual immunity. Carmel Agdeppa, 27, wonders: "Is it better for your skin against any foreign bacteria?" Oh, Carmel! If only. Instead, Estée Lauder explains that if you use their cream, your skin "essentially appears almost as if it has been exempted from the signs of premature aging." Essentially. Almost. As if. Haha! The fact that they expect anyone to believe that is the most hilarious part of all. Let's Play Buzzword: Defining Phrases Used in Skin Care Advertising [NY Times]


Share This Story