The "Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do" List Is Really Only 20% Accurate

Illustration for article titled The Top 10 Things Only Men Can Do List Is Really Only 20% Accurate's latest list, the "Top 10: Things Only Men Can Do" is asinine for several reasons. First, one has to question its very existence. Why do men need to read a list championing awesome things exclusive to their gender? Is the plight of the modern man really so sad that he needs an ego booster? Second, women can do plenty of the things on writer Charlie Anderson's list. In fact, it could be argued that 8 of the 10 things only men can do are things woman can — and have — done. A breakdown of the list, with notes as to whether men have the advantage with the "thing" or just tie with women, after the jump.
10. Go Topless Anderson writes, "Sure, women can go topless on the beach, but we can do it whenever and wherever we please." Women are not encouraged to be topless in this culture, but there are plenty of places on this earth where it doesn't matter, including St. Tropez and Papua New Guinea. In any case, clothing is one of the traits that separates us from the animals, so who cares? Ladies like wearing cute stuff, anyway. TIE 9. Hold Our Liquor Yes, a woman's body chemistry means that she reacts to alcohol differently. But plenty of women hold their liquor. Anyone want to challenge Anderson to a drink off? TIE 8. Manscape Haha. Beards? Really? You can have 'em. ADVANTAGE: MEN 7. Navigate Spatially Anderson writes, "Men are much better at seeing things as they really are — in 3-D." Doesn't mean women can't navigate. They just do it differently. TIE 6. Shave Our Heads Anderson mentions Natalie Portman, Sigourney Weaver and Demi Moore, as well as Britney. And yet he says: "Guys wear bald better." In a battle between George Costanza and Sinead O'Conner, she wins. Sorry. Also, black women have been rocking the shorn look for years and it works. TIE 5. Play Real Sports "We understand that women play plenty of sports and, yes, they are good athletes, but their sports are a snoozefest to watch," writes Anderson. Right back at ya! TIE 4. Fertilize Eggs Sure, okay. But without eggs to fertilize, where would you be? Also, this: "Yes, our swimmers are under siege from early scientific studies that show women can create sperm from their own bone marrow. And of course, studies are also underway to grow babies out of the womb. Are these studies headed by lesbians?" is offensive, not funny. ADVANTAGE: MEN, but barely 3. Pee Standing Up One word: Shenis. Next! TIE 2. Fuck Things Wait, what? Men fuck and women get fucked? Not buying it. A woman can be a fucker, and a man can be a fuckee. Having the ability to stick your penis in something isn't always a worthwhile skill, as the people who have had their dicks sucked into vacuum cleaners can attest. TIE 1. Age Well "Sorry ladies, all your creams, moisturizers and youth-in-a-bottle remedies have nothing on us," Anderson says. "Our male hormones give us thicker skin, which means we get fewer wrinkles and our skin stays younger longer. While women have Joan Rivers to look forward to, we have Sean Connery." Two words: Helen Mirren. TIE Top 10: Things Only Men Can Do []


Share This Story

Get our newsletter


Stranger Bird

I hate [] not only because they have to make themselves feel superior through totally nonsensical, not-even-true things, but by implication not being able to do these things makes one feminine. My husband gets lost on the way to the Asian market we go to/drive past nearly every single day - in fact, I do 100% of our driving - yet he is quite manly in every way that counts.

Way to go, AskMen, for declaring that "Fucking Things" is a more important quality of manhood than, say, compassion, integrity, or anything actually valuable.