Raina Kelley: "It was page after page about the dangers of lead, arsenic, plastics, and pesticides...It should have been titled Silly Mamas: Your Home Will Kill Your Baby...the only point was to scare the bejeezus out of me." [Newsweek]
The Plaintiff and the Defendant in Landmark Same Sex Marriage Case Both Agree That Amy Coney Barrett Should Not Be on the Supreme Court
Daily Schedule for Les Enfants de LaComtesse
8 a.m.: Wake up.
8:15 a.m.: Eat several servings of sugary, processed cereals and coffee (with several packets of artificial sweeteners and non-dairy/chemical creamer)
8:35 a.m.: Lick the bathroom floor to build up an immunity to whatever has grown there overnight.
8:40 a.m.-12 p.m.: Run around outside without shoes.
12:01 p.m.-12:30 p.m.: Non-organic lunch. Don’t bother washing hands before eating—you know Westerners get allergies because our bodies get board from not fighting parasites. Kids need parasites: besides, any worms that come out of them can be pets.
12:31 p.m.-7 p.m.: Run around outside without shoes some more; mud wrestle; watch TV (not BabyEinstein); eat tapeworms; chip away at paint and eat it to see which color tastes the best; knife juggling.
7 p.m.: Dinner.
8 p.m.-8:30 p.m.: Encourage children to play with fire and whatever chemicals they find under the sink.
8:30 p.m.-9 p.m.: A rousing game of "jump from the highest spot you can reach"
9 p.m.: They’ll probably have knocked themselves unconscious jumping from such great heights, so it’s a built in bedtime.