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The Terrors Of Modern Parenting

Raina Kelley: "It was page after page about the dangers of lead, arsenic, plastics, and pesticides...It should have been titled Silly Mamas: Your Home Will Kill Your Baby...the only point was to scare the bejeezus out of me." [Newsweek]


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Daily Schedule for Les Enfants de LaComtesse

8 a.m.: Wake up.

8:15 a.m.: Eat several servings of sugary, processed cereals and coffee (with several packets of artificial sweeteners and non-dairy/chemical creamer)

8:35 a.m.: Lick the bathroom floor to build up an immunity to whatever has grown there overnight.

8:40 a.m.-12 p.m.: Run around outside without shoes.

12:01 p.m.-12:30 p.m.: Non-organic lunch. Don’t bother washing hands before eating—you know Westerners get allergies because our bodies get board from not fighting parasites. Kids need parasites: besides, any worms that come out of them can be pets.

12:31 p.m.-7 p.m.: Run around outside without shoes some more; mud wrestle; watch TV (not BabyEinstein); eat tapeworms; chip away at paint and eat it to see which color tastes the best; knife juggling.

7 p.m.: Dinner.

8 p.m.-8:30 p.m.: Encourage children to play with fire and whatever chemicals they find under the sink.

8:30 p.m.-9 p.m.: A rousing game of "jump from the highest spot you can reach"

9 p.m.: They’ll probably have knocked themselves unconscious jumping from such great heights, so it’s a built in bedtime.