The Story Of Your First Period

Welcome to Pissing Contest, a weekly story sharing circle for the the ass-draggiest time of the afternoon on the ass-draggiest time of the last day between you and the weekend. Every week, we'll ask a question, you'll share stories, and we'll pick a winner that's featured in the next week's post. It's like a pyramid scheme of outdoing each other!


This week, the whole world fell in love again with a viral ad campaign produced by the folks at HelloFlo, who made us all giggle about our own menarches like they'd just happened yesterday.

But unlike the adorable HelloFlo video, most IRL ladies' first periods didn't involve a humiliating party or mail order bleeding uterus starter pack. But most do involve a story.

Before we get to yours, let's take a moment to honor the clear winner of last week's Gross Medical Stories themed pissing contest, Yoga Nerd MD, who demonstrated why it's a terrible idea to play the gross out game with a doctor.

Tame. Blood is nothing.

I birthed a baby out via C-section of a pool of pus from the abdomen of a woman with a ruptured appendix.

I have I&D'd numerous homeless-dude pilonidal duct cysts (otherwise known as "butt puss")

I have worked in anatomy lab on a cadaver that "spoiled" - from fungus.

She ruptured in her third trimester, was not in active labor, but you can't let the baby come to term in a belly full of pus, so C-section. We usually leave abdomens with ruptured appendices closed and place a drain, but this was one time where you have to open it up. You ain't seen nothing till you've seen a newborn covered in blood, shit and neon green pus.

Mom was in the hospital for more than a month thereafter, the baby stayed in the NICU for 2 weeks on IV antibiotics, but both were ok in the long run. Modern medicine baby!

And.... that is where I had to stop reading. Thank you for being a doctor. Jesus Christ.

Now, onto the menarche-stravaganza.



Mine was just humourous. I of course had my first period at my father's house (split time half and half), and it was literally night one of my week with him, and I remember having cramps and not knowing what was going on. It's 11pm (and I'm what - 11, 12?) so when I get up my dad can hear me around upstairs and is probably wondering what I'm doing up. I walk into the bathroom and sure enough. Aunt Flo. Now, I honestly though about just going to bed because I didn't want to go to the store at 11pm at night with my father to buy whatever the things were we needed. I sucked it up, and walked out of the bathroom. There was a spot on the stairs I could see downstairs where his chair was and I just sat there, and said "Dad, I just started my period." I'm pretty sure my fathers exasperated moan could be heard from space, but he immediately headed out to the store (meanwhile I called my mother, crying, and she laughed and laughed at the image of my dad going to the store to get stuff) and came back with EVERYTHING. I shit you not. Every size, brand, and type of thing the Vons down the street offered as a lady stopper. About five bags worth. I'm not really sure what my dad knew about the ferocity of lady-times and how much one actually needed, but I was basically set in that department for a solid year.