The Secret Sex Lives Of Squid

You know, this time of year is filled with wacky sex advice for both men and women. But what about squid? Luckily, Miriam Goldstein is here to (hilariously) break squid sex lives down, Cosmo style.

‘Ah, February,” Goldstein, a doctoral student at the Scripps Institution of Oceanography, writes, “that special time of the year when love is in the air and the heart turns toward romance. Or, in the case of the Southern California population of the market squid, that special time of year when giant underwater orgies are followed by immediate death.” Or, as the Cosmo headline would read: “Squid Sex: Hot And Deadly!”

Goldstein goes on to break down the rules of squid orgies for those hot and bothered squids, interested in the mating process. The article is filled with “squid-oriented sex advice”, and is a pitch-perfect parody of the ridiculous ladymag “trap a man” articles we all love to hate. “Squids that follow these six principles will perish in a pleasant afterglow, knowing they’ve passed their genes on to thousands of adorable baby squids,” Goldstein writes, “Squids that fail-well, being an evolutionary dead end is a far worse fate than buying your sweetie the wrong box of chocolates.”

The six secrets of squid sex, which encompass everything from “avoid mood lighting” to “don’t forget to cuddle,” provide a silly but educational spin on your traditional February looooove article. Because is there anything more romantic than a tentacle filled underwater death orgy? I think not.