The Royal Baby Prince Louis Will, Unfortunately, Always Be Outranked by My Prince Louis

The new royal baby has a name: Prince Louis Arthur Charles. A new tiny baby with a right propah unwieldy Anglo name! Oh, hip, hip, huzzah!!!

In a statement, Kensington Palace said, “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their son Louis Arthur Charles. The baby will be known as His Royal Highness Prince Louis of Cambridge.” He is the smallest brother to Prince George and Princess Charlotte.

The Guardian explains that the littlest Prince Louis is named after several predating Louises: “Lord Louis Mountbatten was Prince Charles’s beloved great-uncle who was assassinated by the IRA in 1979. Prince Louis of Battenberg was the Duke Edinburgh’s grandfather’s name.”

Picture him a few years on—maybe four or five, running round the garden of his junior school, snatching a lolly from one of his mates—surely because he fancies her as any schoolchap might—and running up straight to the top of the climbing gym, then down again, through the sandpit, then hopping onto the roundabout and taking several turns on that rouge pony because it makes him feel like he’s off to some sort of posh battle like his grandpapa and great-grandpapa.

Prince Louis Arthur Charles! The girl, Mafalda Greengrape, might yell. You hurry back here with my lolly at once!

Prince Louis, who didn’t have much for brekkie, might immediately realize that his acting out is simply because his blood sugar is low, and so he will squeak out, Mafalda Greengrape, may we puh-lease fetch some munch, I am feeling rather marvin. And she will reply, Yes, Prince Louis Arthur Charles, you may share my pudding. And the two will be-dangle their tiny legs off the swing set and share some nosh.

This all is to say that I’m sure Prince Louis Arthur Charles will grow up to be an absolutely smashing little prince, but unfortunately, the Guardian, the BBC, and the rest of the English news media have all neglected to mention one very important predating Prince Louis, and that is my cat, Louis, who such a prince it’s crazy.

Congrats to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge on their sweet son, and congrats to me on having a lengthy new nickname for mine.