The Right-Wing Evangelical ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ for Isaac’s Potential Targets

Illustration for article titled The Right-Wing Evangelical ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ for Isaac’s Potential Targets

The cloud conglomerate known as Isaac is twist and shouting its way into the superheated waters of the Gulf of Mexico, the very same place that an ornery Old Testament god passed damning judgment on the lizard-people he'd created before people, some 6,550 years ago. It's no coincidence that Isaac will strike the very same body of water, setting off a chain reaction of destruction so righteous and biblical, no one will be able to look Evangelical Christians in the eye ever again while talking a bunch of sorcery about carbon dating and dinosaurs. "Ha!" they will answer. "The only dinosaurs that ever existed were those pterodactyls that Jesus and the Apostles of Doom rode to destroy...


Tampa Bay, Florida, which be nigh full of lizard-people from an earlier age, lizard-people who would see women made into breeding vessels for their horrible brood, yea, and whose lust for shiny objects begets greed and secular fortune, whose bloody thoughts turn to war profiteering, yea, and the divisive board game Monopoly, whose coveted Boardwalk property, which the Lord Yahweh hath reserved for Himself, hath been usurped by the lizard-people and made filthy, as they make filthy their hot rocks and terrariums.

Panama City Beach, Florida because it hath two Waffle Houses, which is more than the Lord God can brook in a single beach town, yea, and doth make sinful spectacle of itself during the pagan spring festivals of sexualosity, which the Lord doth frown own, verily.

Mobile, Alabama because, yea, it hath offended the Lord God by having strange liquor laws and being too long in the way of Florida, yea, which the Lord liketh for its sandy beaches and bountiful fried shrimp baskets.

Biloxi, Mississippi, because its beaches are full of dirty syringes and the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino has offended God's dolphins, yea, whose flippers are not conducive to table games, nor the avaricious slot machines, whose blowholes, yea, have been obstructed by poker chips, and who shall come forth on waves of fire and destroy Satan's mighty electric guitar.

New Orleans, Louisiana, for it beith too awesome, yea, and doth maketh the Lord's humble home, a cloud hovel, really, seem austere and pitiable, and the Lord God of Isaac is a jealous god, yea, and can suffer no place to be better than His place, which would ordinarily forceth Him to improve his abode, but the Lord God is also a lazy god and must needs rest on Sundays, and every other Saturday, as well as the third Tuesday of every fifth month and the fourth Thursday of every second month, and the first Monday of every third month, except during Leap Year, when the Lord taketh his Monday rest on Tuesday and moveth the Tuesday rest to Friday, eliding Wednesday entirely for the Lord looketh down upon humping, yea, with stormy brow and quivering frown.


Image via AP



My husband and I live near Tampa. It was kind of bittersweet to see the path deviate so drastically from the original projections. You never want to get hit, but you also NEVER EVER want anyone else to get it instead either. Especially not poor New Orleans, AGAIN.

If there's one good thing to be said about this, it's that it motivated us to get all the lanterns and hurricane supplies we should have had years ago anyway.