The Really Unmentionable: A Back-Door Banging Primer & Poll

Illustration for article titled The Really Unmentionable: A Back-Door Banging Primer & Poll

When Pillhead IM'd me a couple of days ago to ask for a comment for her fabulous piece (no pun intended), it got me thinking about that idiot guy and his fascination/obsession with anal sex. To a degree, no matter how much women will dish on vaginal intercourse and cunnilingus, there are very few of women that are willing to go on record about what they like about (and how to have fulfilling) anal sex. Which is why, when I need to get information on the subject, I have to either get my girlfriends really, really drunk or ask a gay friend — which always goes ever so well. Their thoughts, and a poll, are after the jump.


Because, I have to confess, I am an ass-virgin. I haven't ever had a long-term relationship with someone experienced in the art of anal pleasure (at least, I'm reliably told it can be pleasurable) and the one guy I dated who expressed an particular interest tried the timeworn tactic of telling me that I'd like it "once I got used to it" and then insulted me to try to change my mind. My response to that was that if I could have pleasurable sex or painful/uncomfortable sex until I got "used to it," I was pretty well going to opt for "pleasurable" every time, thanks. He thought I was selfish, I thought he was an ass-obsessed pig, and things didn't work out.

But, anyway, so when I told a couple of close girl friends about my ass-virginity over a few bottles of wine a few weeks ago, both expressed shock and amazement that I (of all people) had never done it, and proceeded to tell me how much they liked it under certain circumstances... and then they both clammed the fuck up. I didn't learn anything from either of them that I didn't already know despite the booze. So, I surveyed my gay friends, who are much more talkative and less circumspect about the finer points of ass-fucking, as well as hilarious pseudonym-choosers.

"Chad Dandylion" told me that "the rules are the same [as for vaginal intercourse] — it needs proper preparation, and if it's your first few times, a very gentle touch." Below, "Chad's" 10, uh, tips for the uninitiated:

  • 1) Make sure you don't have diarrhea or anything else that makes you shit a lot and leaves the anus inflamed
  • 2) Don't eat roughage at least 24 hours beforehand
  • 3) Give yourself an enema with lukewarm water
  • 4) MAKE HIM EAT OUT YOUR ASS FOR SEVERAL MINUTES. This relaxes the ring of muscle, acclimates you to the sensation of having something probing your hole, and also happens to feel really really really good
  • 5) Use lube, not spit. make sure the lube is latex-safe
  • 6) If it's your first time, make him go slow, make him be gentle. if you get startled, you can clench, which hurts at first, or if he's rough he could accidentally do some damage
  • 7) When he pushes inside, push back like you're taking a shit — this opens up the anus and makes the initial penetration easier
  • 8) if you're not being a total whore and taking it doggy-style, sitting on him is easiest, because then you can control the speed at which you get opened up
  • 9) You control the pace, unless you're a submissive bitch and then you let him pound you till your eyes roll back
  • 10) Be vocal, give him hints as to what feels good and what doesn't. If you like him teasing your hole by pulling out to the head then pushing back in all the way, tell him that. If you like him mostly in and skooching it around, tell him that. Remember: as the bottom you are, ultimately, in control. Unless you don't want to be.

Since some of that didn't sound so terrible (except for maybe the enema thing, and the eyes-rolling-back thing), I figured I would ask another gay friend of mine for his advice because the more the better, right? "Chance" told me that his only real advice was not to let a Marine fuck me up the ass, because some "straight" jarhead came over and fucked him with so little grace and lube that he ended up having to get the inside of his asshole stitched back together at the hospital the next morning and then learned what a panty liner was.

I think I'm going to stop asking now. Well, except for this little poll.


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I've enjoyed it before (really drunk and on painkillers, go figure) but when I've tried it recently, total no go. I have only had one guy who really asked for it a lot and he is no longer in the picture, sorry but that's just annoying. I've decided to close the butt until the future husband expresses interest.