Sit down lads and lasses and let me recount tale of the Mystery Dick.

Seven years ago, in Torrance County, New Mexico, on a crisp fall morning, a woman opened her door and on her porch, she found something quite curious. It was a severed dick. A FUCKING PENIS THAT ONCE BELONGED AND WAS ATTACHED TO SOMEONE, JUST LYING THERE. On her front porch. Naturally she dialed 911 because OF COURSE SHE DID WHO PUT THAT THERE AND WHERE DID THEY GET IT AND WHY DID THEY DO SUCH A HORRIFIC THING?

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Via First Coast News:

"We arrived on scene and identified it as a male appendage, and started our investigation from there," said Sheriff Heath White.

Investigators carried out a search for a body on horseback, foot and ATV, but no body was found. Certainly not one missing a penis.

"We were trying to locate either a body or what took place here. Did a violent crime happen or was there some other circumstance of how this got there?" said White.

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Seven years later, no one knows what happened. A DNA test came up short. No one came forward with any information. They don't know if the man missing a penis is alive or dead or anything. They literally don't know dick. The sheriff does, however, have some very uncertain theories:

"This was a home sex change, but you don't know. Or was this a murder or a cartel-related issue where this was made to make a statement," said White.

Or, he says in some cultures if someone is caught molesting a child, "It is within the culture for the family members to pretty much take care of their business and remove that body part themselves."

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But Sheriff White says none of those things could possibly be connected to the woman who FOUND THE SEVERED PENIS ON HER PORCH or her family. And so, with little headway, the case of the Mystery Dick has gone cold.

This is clearly a job for Dick Tracy. Or…Shercock Holmes. Or Basil of Boner Street. Or Magnum P.P. I guess Tintin already sort of sounds like a euphemism for penis, right?

Image via First Coast News.