The Purity Bear is Back to Give You Valentine's Day Blue Balls

This Valentine's Day, the hymen enthusiasts behind Day of Purity want to remind you that if you have premarital sex, you will get diseases, get depressed, and most importantly of all, seriously disappoint a talking plush bear that for some reason cannot move its mouth when it talks.


This second edition of the Purity Bear Chronicles starts with a very long shot of a shiny car driving down a long driveway, because clearly someone involved in the production of this video has a father who owns a car dealership. The shiny car contains a young couple wrapping up a date so socially awkward ("It's been really great goin' out with you. We really got to know each other." "I know! It's been great! I've had so much fun!") that it's actually made more bearable by the appearance of a vehemently anti-sex teddy bear who warns the young lady that if she decides to let her date kiss her on the face in front of her parents' McMansion, he'll end up throwing her away like a pizza box. Sassy Purity Bear doesn't further specify whether the girl is supposed to be the box in the analogy, or the pizza, but no matter. The point is that the guy said "I love you," and that means that he's either going to spend the next hour savoring the taste of her, or put her by his garbage can until he takes the garbage out. Better run, girl!

A few important questions left unanswered by this. First, why does the bear suddenly a Sassy Black Girl Friend? Are we to assume that the purity bear appears to us in a very specific, individual form like a Patronus? How would my Purity Bear sound? And why haven't I ever seen my personal Purity Bear? Did someone run my Purity Bear over with a garbage truck? Did my Purity Bear die of a broken heart?

The video closes with some pretty sobering statistics— 2/3 of women wished they would have waited longer to have a penis in them for the first time. Men who have sex outside of marriage report being depressed (by what? By how awesome and fun sex is?) and that people who were virgins when they got married had a higher success rate. Let's keep our genitals to ourselves today, on this day of purity.

In the meantime, let's hope the spurned gentleman's Purity Bear is waiting at home for him, lest a furious masturbatory session go uninterrupted.



"Virgins who wait for marriage have a higher success rate."

Success rate? Success rate at what? That has to be one of the most moronic sentences I've read in a long time.