An Alabama man on a bathroom break at work found a snake coiled up in a toilet.
This is from a video we took of exactly what went on inside my brain when I read this story. According to WTSP, a worker on a bathroom break in Hueytown found a goddamn motherfucking snake in his motherfucking toilet.
Willie Harris says he couldn't believe his eyes. "So when I was going to use the restroom, I see a snake around the commode and I'm thinking it was a joke." But once Harris saw the snake move a few times, he knew this was no laughing matter.
"I pulled the door back a little bit and I said 'wow!" Harris said.
"Wow" is absolutely not what I would have said. Here is list of the words that would have come out of my mouth had I seen this thing.
- FUCKING FUCK FUCK!
- [Unintelligible screaming, interspersed with cries for God's help]
- SHIT FUCK!
Thankfully, a hero cop showed up to rescue them from the evil toilet snake. Officer Alice Thompson is either the bravest person in the world or completely fucking insane.
"I was holding it actually on the corners of the mouth where the mouth was actually open at the time," Thompson said. "Which for me that was actually the first time I'd ever seen fangs that were folded back in a snake."
All of this, while Thompson's two male partners and construction workers huddled in a corner and watched.
Thompson then carried what she believed to be a venomous cotton mouth, out of the bathroom, and hopped in the back of her partner's cruiser.
The snake was released back into the wild where it is now free to terrorize more toilets in the future. Is this what our justice system has stooped to? Letting terrorist snakes go free without consequence? Thanks Obama! SNAKEGHAZI SNAKEGHAZI SNAKEGHAZI!
This is unacceptable. Forget everything. I am no longer interested in any other social or political cause other than ridding America's toilets of fucking snakes. This is my number one issue. It happens too often. Our toilets should be free of snakes. We deserve that right, as Americans. Our forefathers fought and died for this country, to make sure that generations of their brave countrymen could sit on the john and go poo without having to worry that a giant fucking snake would rise up out of the water and bite them. We shouldn't have to fearfully check the toilet before we sit down to make sure a snake isn't chilling out in there. That should be guaranteed by a Constitutional amendment.
Screencap via WTSB.