Yesterday all the First Lady candidates met in Long Beach, California sans a certain First Ladies Man to talk about what it's like to be the menstruating half of a potentially presidential power couple, because the topic really hasn't received enough attention from the excessively policy-focused, goal-oriented media, and Michelle Obama had a little trouble keeping her eyes from rolling into the back of her skull when Ann Romney started whining about how haarrrd it is to do so much fundraising when you husband is worth a mere $350 million. Oh but it gets better — meaning more depressing — because meanwhile, on the right coast, Mitt Romney himself was raising some of those hard-gotten funds!
Actually, just look at what Osam, uh, Barack Obama, said just yesterday, Barack Obama, calling on radicals, jihadists of all different types, to come together in Iraq.
Well, shit. The jihad always sounded kind of extreme to us, but if the Obamas are endorsing it and the enemy is this stupid, why the fuck not.
*Also, "at least one" reporter went online "to search frantically for comments made by Obama" in response to Romney's comment, which by the way was inaccurate — turns out he was talking about that crazy old menace Osama Bin Laden! Though Obama has taken to folding his hands during the National Anthem these days and parading around town without an American flag pin on his lapel, so really, it was an honest mistake.
And seriously guys, I have other shit to get to at this point, but will one of you write the imaginary dialogue that went down when Michelle and Barack got back to the hotel last night? I'm thinking she made the kids leave the room and asked to bum a cigarette, and he was like "Baby you know I quit," and she was like, "Shut up and hand one over," and he finally complied, and for a brief moment she was about to get seriously pissed off because she truly thought he had quit, until she did the math, realized the day's events had probably taken five years off her life already, because she thought it was politics that made people so stupid, but then she had to meet the only candidate to become fabulously successful in the private sector, and that shit, life's too short not to make it a little shorter with a mild nicotine habit.
Then they raided the minibar.