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The Most Face-Meltingly Incredible Sexual Experience Of Your Life

Illustration for article titled The Most Face-Meltingly Incredible Sexual Experience Of Your Life

Almost everybody loves it, or at the very least kind of likes it, when someone or something touches them nicely in the sex-parts. But some sexual experiences are better than others, and there are some that are so good that they can throw the human body and mind into a state of quivering, helpless nirvana. It's been a rough week, so let's wind down its waning hours talking about fuckin'.

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That's right. Sex. Sexy sex sex McSex. Let's talk about the time that you were touched so adeptly in the junk that you woke the neighbors, or broke a hand bone, or felt like you were going to pass out. Tell us your stories of that time your sexual partner(s) (which could be your own hand or a dildo or a knotted up sheet; no judgment) did something that, if you were a cartoon, would have turned you into a steam whistle. This week's Pissing Contest is all about the best sex you've ever had. Who was it with? What were the circumstances? And what did they do to really ring your bell?

But before we get to all the graphic Not For Kids storytelling, let's talk about last week's pissing contest winner, The Awful Name I Almost Had edition. Wolfabeast was almost named Mungo. itsthesoundofthesizzle was almost named Belva Gertrude. Petitesuissesse was almost named Iphigenia. MadPiglet would have been Jeremiah Bullfrog, had she been a boy. And PolicyChick was actually named Doy. But the winner this week is jennalynk, with this harrowing near-miss.

NO I AM THE WINNER THIS IS NOT A JOKE.

My parents wanted to name me...

...and I am 100% NOT SHITTING YOU...

...

...Virgin.

Virgin. Like "has she gotten any peen?" "Nope, she's a virgin" Virgin.

I think it was supposed to be spelled with an "e", so "Virgine". And apparently this was meant to be pronounced "Ver-JEEN-eh", and people would TOTALLY respect that and do it and not make fun of me at all.

It was my great-grandmother's name (I hadn't known that - we called her Nana and it wasn't until much later I realized that that wasn't her name). She was Armenian. Most Armenians spell it "Vergeen" which is still not that great, but no, I was to be Virgin. Virgine. Whatever. And so this, along with other great Armenian names like "Hagop" and "Sarkis" and "Vartannah" and "Armany" (pronounced Armani) was apparently a perfectly normal and acceptable name among the Armenian diaspora, or at least the ones from Musa Dagh.

I mean I get why they wanted to name me that, the woman lived through a genocide/death march and was rescued, along with her sister and brother, by her betrothed (my great grandfather, who was a freedom fighter), then escaped the 1922 fire in Izmir (where they were hiding) - which was likely started on the orders of Kemal Ataturk - to Greece, where they had their three kids, including my grandfather, and then all had to escape to the USA right around WWII because, as a former freedom fighter, Great Grandpa was on Hitler's shit list, and that's not a list you want to be on. I think they had fake paperwork. So, undocumented immigrants for the win.

So that's cool.

But still. Virgine.

Someone finally pointed out to them that while maybe in Armenian communities Turkey in 1900 "Virgine" was a fine name, that perhaps in the USA in 1980 it was not the best choice. They considered Virginia but my mom didn't like it (but she liked Virgine? okay) and settled on Jennifer. In 1980. Basically the most boring name there was in 1980.

I win.

Yes, darling. You do win.

And now, let's transition from Virgin to strumpets with your most sheet-ruining stories.

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One final note: to everyone who stopped by this thread simply to jerk off: welcome.

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DISCUSSION

talesfromthevalley
talesfromthevalley

Grad school, winter break I go to visit a friend from college. We end up crashing at her boyfriend's place one evening. Her boyfriend's roommate was a Marine, had just gotten back to the states after being deployed for over a year.... Yada, yada, yada, the sex was good but having a man eat out your pussy after he's literally been wondering the desert for a year was amazing. After two hours and loosing track of how many times I came (lost track after 15) I was done. And I'm talking about no breaks for air, just going at it working stuff I didn't know had, pussy eating. He set the bar for oral sex and my college friend got me a shirt that said "I fucked a marine." I highly recommend adding this to your bucket list. Best one night stand ever.