The Most Beautiful Troll in the World Will Still Not Shut Up

Illustration for article titled The Most Beautiful Troll in the World Will Still Not Shut Up

Uuuuuuuugh, this woman. This woman! You know, I stuck my neck out for Samantha Brick the other week because I really think women should cut other women some slack and I am not the Daily Mail's dancing monkey-butler. HOWEVER. At this point I just want to make fun of her sooooooooooo bad.

As so many trolls before her have discovered, trolling works. So in the Daily Mail this week, Brick has written yet another love sonnet about the rapturous smell of her own poop. And let me tell you, Samantha Brick's poop smells annoying.

In this installment, entitled, "What makes me so certain I'm beautiful? Daddy's love... Samantha Brick reveals the secret of her self-belief," Brick reveals another reason why she is better than other women—her dad loved her more than any dad has ever loved any daughter ever. Basically, it's all about how Brick's dad was super nice to her and that's why she grew up to be a delusionally-narcissistic-at-best, shamelessly-manipulative-at-worst, attention-gobbling uber-troll. Yes! Let's all take parenting tips from that guy!


I can't believe I'm fucking stooping to this, but...

The Seven Most Annoying Sentences About Samantha Brick's Stupid, Stupid Life:

1. "Just in case any of you were inhabiting another universe last week, I am currently recovering after becoming the subject of a very modern, global witch-hunt."
What? What witch-hunt? Who was hunting? What? When? Who? How? What are you talking about, lady??? Oh, you mean that time you doused yourself with kerosene and tied yourself to a stake and then begged passersby to light your cigarette? That "witch-hunt"?


2. "I called him from my home in France to ask what he thought."

3. "Then, unable to understand why I'd become the focus of so much bitterness, he asked: ‘Why aren't people directing such anger towards the real problems going on in this country? You've done nothing wrong, you've struck a nerve and you've proved that your point is valid. Treat them with the contempt they deserve.'"
"My mom says I'm cool!"


4. For as long as I can remember, I got birthday cards from him addressed to ‘my No 1 girl'. While he was probably referring to the fact I was his eldest daughter (he has five) I interpreted it as meaning I was No 1 in his life.
Of course you did.

5. I had a lazy eye when I was younger and it was Dad who determinedly ensured I had it fixed so I wouldn't be picked on. I remember waking up from the operation at the age of eight and seeing him looking down at me telling me I was beautiful.
So...instead of telling you you were beautiful even with your lazy eye...your dad just bought you a new eye??? And THEN told you you were beautiful?


6. He said: ‘Women can be far nastier to each other than men. Raising five daughters I've seen enough over the years, from the way your friends often behaved towards you, to know there's constant rivalry among women.
God, I am so sick of that bullshit line. Men love that line! Not that women can't be mean to each other—obviously we can and do and we're really good at it—but it's such an obvious obfuscation to act like woman-on-woman cruelty is somehow worse than patriarchal oppression. As though that behavior just exists in a vacuum and is in no way symptomatic of a culture that teaches women from birth that our lives are just one endless beauty pageant battle royale. Ugh, shut up with that shit.

7. But Dad's made us all feel confident, and bestowed us with the belief we look good - whatever size or shape we are.
Yeah, unless you have a fucked up eye!!!

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I'm not sure exactly what you are hoping to accomplish by picking on a woman because she is 'delusional' for having high self-esteem and at the same time dismissing how horrible women are to one another over petty, useless stuff SUCH AS them saying that they are beautiful and having high self-esteem. What is the ratio of time and energy you've spent in making fun of self-absorbed (or ANY) men to women? Why do you need to be invested in wanting to make fun of anyone, let alone someone who you don't know, and merely because she says some things that are egocentric? How does making fun of her help women, or anyone for that matter? I'm so tired of this 'women should be demure and humble and best not step out of line and brag' or else they will feel the wrath of other women (and men) telling them that they're not allowed to speak (why SHOULD she 'shut up?'), that thinking highly of themselves is disgusting, etc. I could understand wanting to, say, analyze the 'daddy issues' in how fathers (and mothers) might act as enablers to women by equating too much of their self-worth on their looks. Maybe pondering why people react to someone saying they are beautiful by feeling entitled to then judge her looks and critique her. But... this? It comes across more as jealousy, and mocking her on a rather personal level when you do not know her and do not know what she has to deal with in her life. She seems to have constantly struggled with feeling a need to be accepted by men (such as her father) and has not had much to reinforce her worth aside from her looks. But, lets all stoop to ridicule her for that, because why?