The Manly World of Manly Plastic Surgery for Manly Men

Today we received a press release touting the launch of an “all Male Plastic Surgery Website.” FUN.

You know the site for Manhattan Plastic Surgery For Men is for men because has a dark background and a glaring gentleman wearing a tuxedo. This is where James Bond would go to get a tummy tuck.

Right away, the site attempts to place visitors into categories, asking: WHICH TYPE ARE YOU?

Your choices: Male Model, Bodybuilder, Athletic Dad and CEO/Boardroom. Did you know “boardroom” was a type of man?

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Let’s start with Male Model.

“You chose Male Model because… You are a male model.” No argument. This logic is sound. But also something is clearly wrong with you, even though you are modeling. You need jawline recontouring, hi def liposculpting and a fattier ass. The copy reads:

When used on the upper and lower abdomen, Hi Def Liposculpting chisels out the perfect six-pack and pelvic lines for the ultimate male model look.

Now I’m suspicious of all of Hollywood’s most famous abs and “V” lines. Like this one. Or this one. Or this one. Were they sculpted on a surgical table instead of a gym? How would we ever know? Seriously, check out this before-and-after:

If there were scars you would never notice.

Anyway, let’s move on. The Bodybuilder type is similar to the Male Model type — it’s all about definition and getting rid of big boobs. But what about “Athletic Dad”?

“You don’t get a second look anymore.” Sad face. This is depressing. Athletic dads who love their families need jawline recontouring and eyelifts. Sigh. Why is this so upsetting? Maybe because it reinforces what a lookist society we’ve become, where being successful and healthy is not enough; it’s also vital that we all stay aesthetically pleasing to strangers.

Last but not least: The CEO/Boardroom.

“Your assistant says you look tired.” Every CEO boardroom knows how you handle that problem. You fire it. A lot cheaper than a neck lift.