The Jezebel Reader: Profile Of A Bleeding-Heart, Bleeding-Sexed, Socially-Conscious Clive Owen-Worshiping Slob

Illustration for article titled The Jezebel Reader: Profile Of A Bleeding-Heart, Bleeding-Sexed, Socially-Conscious Clive Owen-Worshiping Slob

Dear Reader:
As our esteemed colleague Anna announced this morning, today is our six month anniversary. Now give yourselves a pat on the back for contributing to our momentous growth and all around well-being. Done? Great. After a few days of extensive data mining, we'd like to take this opportunity to present to you a psychographic profile of the average Jezebel reader. Who is this elusive hussy? Is she for or against period sex? Does she think Tyra Banks had a nose job? Does she like black, white or Asian babies best? We used the scientifically infallible method of culling your poll answers to create a foolproof Jezebel reader profile. Our results after the jump.


In the bedroom, Jezebel might be described as a "sloppy vixen."

  • She explored early: over half of you learned how to orgasm before the age of 15, and nearly a third of you can masturbate if someone else is in the room, thanks to the freshman dormroom situation.
  • Over 40% of you would totally bone down with your friends exes, but only if there were no emotional attachment.
  • And a third of you have HPV. Perhaps you got it from your friend's ex-boyfriend?
  • In her defense, if Jezebel is a slut, she's an honest slut: nearly half of you only lie by a 1-3 partner margin of error when giving your "number"; 27% of you don't even know your number.
  • Jezebel prefers "Sade sex" to "Slayer sex", and forget doing her up the ass; 35% of you are haven't even had butt sex, and less than a quarter of you actually like it.
  • And the room she likes to get down in? It's 54% likely to make Moe's look clean.
  • And who she gets down with? He's a lot more likely to force you to watch "Stripes" than go anywhere near, like, guns and shit.

  • Meanwhile, Jezebel's stance on current affairs might be described as "bleeding-heart realist."
  • When it comes to cuteness, Jez is mostly color-blind. In movie stars you are most likely to fantasize over the Caucasian Clive Owen, but when it comes to babies you kind of want a Maddox, although you love the rest of the Jolie-Pitt babes pretty evenly. You're deeply appalled by racism in celebrities, even when they are as dumb as Paris Hilton. You're good at compartmentalizing; you'll admit it when an enemy of democracy happens to be kind of hot. But when it comes to democracy protesters you narrowly prefer Pakistan's lawyers to Burma's monks, though much of that margin can be attributed to the dramatically-increased likelihood that the lawyers will actually have sex with you. You aren't delusional.
  • Which may explain why Jezebel is deeply skeptical that violent sex offenders can be rehabilitated, even when they are underage. About 20% of you wanted to see that group of teenage gang rapist-pornographers castrated and/or sentenced to death.
  • Jez has a nose for white lies and falsehoods: almost half of you believe Tyra banks is lying when she says she's never had plastic surgery.
  • Nearly 60% of you expect you'll vote for Hillary, but half of that 60% admit it would only to be to get Bill back and make it stop.
  • Because a mere 7.2% of you wanted Bush to be our president in 2004, and that number has not gotten higher since.
  • The Jezebel lifestyle is definitely something to aspire to.
  • Over 50% of you think you're to old to have an abortion when your eggs are too old to hock on the black market .
  • And once born, of you think three or maybe four is too old to be carrying around a kid.
  • 81% of you think Michael Lohan is a better parenting role model than the "White Oprah."
  • You're highbrow about your media consumption: 64% of you prefer Tina Fey's comedic gems to Kim Kardashian's gem of an ass, and basically all of you would rather read anything than Teen Vogue.
  • And finally, definitely all of you drink too much. What a segue! Go do that now!
  • So anyway, there you have it — a brief glimpse into the heart, soul and boy-panties of your garden-variety Jezebel. She's an HPV-havin', Tyra-disbelievin', bleeding-heart slob who chronically masturbates to fantasies of Clive Owen, and we wouldn't have her any other way.



Brava on the profile! Really, excellent job!

Of course, I will not be at all surprised when that last paragraph ends up on that dickbag with the bald eagles' blog, you 'member, the one that tried to call us out for the 'beating up your boyfriends' post?