The Honey Boo Boo Family Guide to Beauty

The Thompsons, of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo fame, are completely comfortable with themselves. What some would consider flaws and faux pas—farting, over-eating, a deformed toe, coagulated neck sweat—they view as personality traits. But at the same time, they invest a lot of time and money into child beauty pageants. So how do they resolve the seemingly disconnected philosophies between their hobby and their way of life?


Well, kind of like the question "How is a fart made?", the answer is at once complex and simple, it just depends on who you ask. A scientist would probably go into an explanation of the difference between exogenous sources and endogenous sources, and the process of our digestion system. Others might just say, "You push it out."

Farting is actually a very appropriate analogy for the Thompsons' notions of outer and inner beauty. After all, the opening of their show is a 10-second clip of Mama farting and the rest of them waving the stink away. (It turns out to be a different fart sound each time. One episode, it sounds deep and wet, while in another it's short and squeaky.)

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Mostly, the Thompson women subscribe to Mama's mantra of "I just look good when I wanna look good." And even though they're still kinda/sorta on some kind of very loose "diet challenge" (Mama lost six pounds in three weeks, Chubbs lost two, and Pumpkin gained four), it's not really taken that seriously. They often joke about their diets. The takeaway of Mama's wisdom is "Pretty comes in all different sizes." So even if their eating habits aren't that healthy, at least their outlook on life is.

Illustration for article titled The Honey Boo Boo Family Guide to Beauty

We actually got to learn a bit more about Mama last night. First of all, any fears that Sugar Bear—eight years her senior—may have been guilty of statutory rape when Mama gave birth to Chickadee at just 15 were assuaged. Turns out that the older girls have "other dads."

Illustration for article titled The Honey Boo Boo Family Guide to Beauty

Sugar Bear has only sired six-year-old Alana. He and Mama are not married, but have been "shackin' up mates" for eight years. They celebrated their anniversary on last night's episode. Of their relationship, Mama says, "Was it love at first sight? No. Was it bed at first sight? Maybe. You gotta try the milk out before your buy..."

Illustration for article titled The Honey Boo Boo Family Guide to Beauty

They went out to eat and he fed Mama dessert.

Illustration for article titled The Honey Boo Boo Family Guide to Beauty

So what else happened on last night's episode? Well, they hired Alana a pageant coach, they bought her a new custom-made glitz dress, they went extreme coupon-ing, they went for pedicures where we learned that Mama has "forklift foot" (referring to a toe deformity she received while working in a factory) and that she has something called "neck crust." Oh, and glitzy the gay pig took a shit on the kitchen table.



I think a few quotes from Roald Dahl are in order:

re: momma-

"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.” —The Twits

“I think probably kindness is my number one attribute in a human being. I'll put it before any of the things like courage or bravery or generosity or anything else.

Brian Sibley: Or brains even?

Oh gosh, yes, brains is one of the least. You can be a lovely person without brains, absolutely lovely. Kindness - that simple word. To be kind - it covers everything, to my mind.

If you're kind that's it.”* —Roald Dahl; BBC Interview with Brian Sibley

re: reality tv—

"So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.”** — Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

And just for fun, a word on farts—

"A whizzpopper!" cried the BFG, beaming at her. "Us giants is making whizzpoppers all the time! Whizzpopping is a sign of happiness. It is music in our ears! You surely is not telling me that a little whizzpopping if forbidden among human beans?” —The BFG

* I don't know how "brainy" any of them are, but all the same...

**I like TV/Interwebs, but at some point it gets ridic.