The Great Whiskey Shortage Will Liberate Us From Bourbon's Tyranny

Perhaps you have heard the whispers: Thanks to the fancy whiskey fad, America’s consumption may soon outstrip the supply. Even a passing familiarity with the principles of economics should tell you that’s very, very bad news for lovers of dark liquor.

But it’s great news if you’re sick of hearing about bourbon!

That’s according to Smithsonian magazine (via BostInno). You see, our whiskey supplies are not infinite. There is no Kentucky spring from which the bourbon bubbles up. Plus the stuff generally has to be aged. You see where this is going. Distillery Buffalo Trace issues periodic updates on the CRISIS, attempting to break the news gently, but firmly:

Despite the increase in distillation over the past few years, bourbon demand still outpaces supply. The overall bourbon category is experiencing 5% growth, but premium brands are up nearly 20% from last year…. The increase in sales, coupled with the aging process and evaporation loss, leads to a shortage with no end in sight.

According to Esquire, that means more crappy whiskey.

PANIC! Now we’ve got to go back to clear liquor, and I’m going to have a bunch of hipsters mansplaining gin to me. Or, worse, every beardo in Brooklyn is going to start making moonshine, which is after all the logical conclusion to the ongoing mania for bluegrass and mason jars. This is all Mad Men‘s fault.

The important thing is that everyone’s catching on. So now’s probably the time to clear a space in your cabinets (you weren’t going to cook those canned green beans, anyway) and stash a couple of bottles for the next snowpocalyse. Then get excited that you’ll soon have more options at the bar than 15 different kinds of Manhattan and you’ll never have to hear another fucking word about oak barrels.

As for how America’s young, affluent urbanites will demonstrate their masculinity once all the whiskey is gone—there’s always the production of lopsided bookshelves.