The Star Wars movie where Lupita Nyong’o plays an elderly alien is coming out soonish, from what I gather.
I’m deeply familiar with the Star Wars franchise in general, but I should say that all of my knowledge about this Star War is based entirely off of (1) the new trailer, (2) pop culture references that I’ve absorbed over the years, and (3) that time I saw Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace at the Seattle Cinerama with my dad after a half day at school. My conclusion: Star Wars are some confusing shit in general and this particular Star War is no different. My questions are as follows:
1. Is Yoda going to be in this one? He’s not in the beginning of the trailer, and I feel like if you have Yoda in the movie, you’d want to mention that early on.
2. Relatedly: Is Yoda a green version of Benjamin Button or was he always that size? Yoda the Cool Pope a version of is.
3. How is it that human beings can breathe on these planets? They’re flying around in space half the time, and I didn’t take AP physics or anything, but I’m pretty sure there isn’t oxygen up there.
4. Maddie explained to me that this Star War takes place in a galaxy “far far away,” but what is the exact unit of “far” here?
5. Is it in meters?
7. EMOTIONAL DISTANCE? Are the Star Wars planets **emotionally distant** from Earth?
8. Are the humans in this movie people/alien hybrids or just regular people who somehow either figured out how to or evolved to be able to breathe on other planets?
9. What’s with all the white people?
10. Why do white people always like to imagine these fictional worlds where the majority of a made-up planet is white?
11. Is there not a space version of India in this galaxy?
12. DID ANYONE ELSE KNOW THAT TUPAC WAS SUPPOSED TO AUDITION TO BE IN A STAR WAR?? I would have cared about these movies infinitely more if somebody has given Tupac a lightsaber.
13. Bobby told me that George Lucas doesn’t really have anything to do with this Star War, but the real question is, does George Lucas’s incredibly dope wife have anything to do with this Star War?
14. SINCE WHEN HAVE THOSE WHITE ROBOTS HAD PEOPLE INSIDE THEM?
15. Why is this person so sweaty?
16. They can build like 800 different types of spaceships but a little breathable armor for my man is out of the question?
17a. I now finally understand all the racist hubbub over this movie. I was informed that stormtroopers have always been people, but they’re all a clone of a single solider. Therefore, if this one stormtrooper is black, then one would gather that all the stormtroopers are black. *Cue the existential crises of racists.* So, my next question: For this to be a revelation, a stormtrooper has just never taken off their helmet onscreen before?
17b. Related question: Is this their way of making up for the fact that Jar Jar Binks was super racist?
18. This Star War seems to have a sleeker, more modern Darth Vader, right?
19. Is it the same guy?
20. Does it even matter? In action movies, bad guys are mostly just metaphors for societal ills anyway, so their personal character development is really only as relevant the film makes it.
21. They added kind of a snout to this Darth Vader, didn’t they? Daardvark Vader. Darth Vaardvark.
22. Is “The Force” at all related to “The Slap?” And if the force is always with you, why must it now be awoken? What put it to sleep? Did the force fall asleep watching the last 42 Star Wars movies?
23. Bobby also told me that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker, who I do happen to remember was portrayed by Hayden Christensen at some point. So we as an audience are supposed to believe that James Earl Jones’s voice came out of a white guy? I find that HIGHLY suspect.
24. Speaking of spaceships, why do all these spaceships look similar to the old ones?
25. Aren’t we in the future?
26. If so, how come technology hasn’t advanced?
27. Is this one also out of order? I know that Harrison Ford is old now, so that indicates some advancement of time.
28. Unless... OH MY GOD IS TIME EVEN LINEAR IN THIS GALAXY? Actually, the entire marketing strategy of this franchise would make a lot more sense if time wasn’t linear at all.
29. When do you think everyone learns how to fly a spaceship?
30. Is there a driver’s ed course or is it like how babies born today will grow up innately knowing how to use technology because we give them iPads as soon as they can hold up their own heads?
31. Has anyone ever offered to draft a peace treaty so we can cease and desist with the Star Wars?
32. May I suggest a cameo by Jimmy Carter to get things moving along?
33. Lightsabers seem pretty cool?
34. Is the super creepy yet disturbingly sexy red horn face guy still around?
35. Are R2D2 and the gold guy supposed to be like a Star War robot version of Cam and Mitchell from Modern Family? Because if so, that’d be super cute.
36. Wait, is the gold guy even still around?
37. DID THEY BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN RJD2 AND THE GOLD GUY?
38. Speaking of buddies, I think it’s nice that Harrison Ford and his jabbawockeez are still friends. They’re still friends right?
39. Is the Sacajawea an alien or what?
40. Whatever happened to Natalie Portman and her twin who was also her maid?
41. How come that one robot looks like a giant mechanical elephant?
42. OK, so there’s just always a war going on, then?
43. What exactly are these wars about?
44. What are the issues at play here?
45. Is it a land or border dispute?
46. Religious persecution?
47. Does one section of the planet want to be autonomous from the rest of the planet? It seems like there are enough planets up in this joint for all the like-minded people/robots/aliens/jabbawockeez to have their own, eliminating the need for all these wars.
48. Do you think there’s any way that JJ Abrams would release the exact times that Lupita Nyong’o is onscreen because I love looking at her, but I’m not confident that I can commit to this entire film. ACTUALLY I FORGOT THAT SHE PLAYS A DECREPIT ALIEN. Never mind.
49. What the hell is this?
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Illustration by Tara Jacoby, screenshots via Star Wars trailer, image of Joseph Gordon-Levitt via Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty.