The Fifty Shades of Grey Trailer Is Here in All Its BDSM-Lite Glory

What a beautiful time to be alive: the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer has premiered on the Today show, and it appears this film will be documenting the emotional journey of a woman with a low ponytail and an ill-fitting cardigan (VISUAL REPRESENTATIONS OF SELF-DOUBT) who finds herself charmed by an unblinking mouth-breather in a fancy suit and then changes her hairstyle because her inner goddess demands it.

This movie will feature: close-ups of hands, the mean guy and whatever-her-name-is making both anxious and aroused facial expressions, and a stripped-down version of "Crazy in Love," just as the prophecy suggested. If all the divine portents line up, it appears that these three elements will culminate in a finger-banging scene.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!!! (That is when the movie comes out, which may result in the Rowdy Singles Riots of 2015. God help us all.) [Today]


North West took her first steps yesterday, probably because she was fuckin' sick of people talking about the Royal Baby all the time. Yay, North! (And this concludes our Famous Baby Motor Skills Update.) [E!]

Upholding the platonic ideal of "bro," as is their duty on this planet, Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron enjoyed a boys' night out which was reportedly "drama-free." Here, an onlooker's fascinating account: "Rob and Zac both looked good and happy. Rob showed Zac something on his cell phone and they both started laughing. They were in really good moods." Wow. What a night. [E!]

  • Britney Spears has announced her SIXTEENTH fragrance. How are there that many good smells in the world? (Living in New York in the summer, the only scent my broken soul is able to recall is "hot garbage" with hints of hot dog.) [Billboard]
  • Flaunting his very small top knot aboard a yacht, Leonardo DiCaprio did some high kicks. [Dlisted]
  • ** LAUREN CONRAD HAIR UPDATE** she has dyed it platinum blonde, definitely because Allure called her basic that one time. [E!]
  • Gossip Cop is saying that the rumors that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are fighting over his psychic advisor are false. I don't know, sounds pretty reasonable to me! [Gossip Cop]
  • Michelle Rodriguez says she loves working in a male-dominated world. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (Maybe that's code for a sex thing with Zac Efron?) [Just Jared]
  • Apparently Naya Rivera used the wedding date that she had scheduled for her and Big Sean on her new husband. Waste not, want not! [Just Jared]
  • Taylor Swift wrote a goddamn essay in the comments of one of her fans' Instagrams about the nature of unrequited love. Bless you, Taylor. [ONTD]
  • J. Lo is throwing herself a birthday party in the Hamptons tonight. [Page Six]

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"There really isn't much to know about me. I mean, look at me."

This line killed me.

Miss Steele doesn't need a boyfriend. She needs some therapy and help in building her self-esteem.

But I guess that wouldn't be as sexy.