Hey kids! Do you hate awesome, fun things that are not driven by an aversion for shame and divine punishment? Are you a terrible drag at parties? Then boy oh boy is this ever the magazine for you. Let's peruse the Aryan stock photo model-intensive pages of the latest issue of The Conservative Teen and get red state-ified.

When The Conservative Teen was first brought to my attention, I assumed, based on the stern-looking Daughters of the American Revolution cover model and the terribly unhip cover lines, that the thing was a joke put together by a progressive kid with access to Photoshop frustrated by the inescapable conservatism of their buttoned-up suburb. But a quick perusal through the latest issue reveals that the quarterly magazine boasts a masthead full of middle aged male employees of conservative think tanks like the Family Research Council and the American Heritage Foundation. They've even got that Fox Business News guy with the Geraldo mustache! It's real!

The Conservative Teen has its wrinkly fingers on the pulse of America's youth with such hip, fresh headlines as "Hot Air & Cold Facts," an article all about the liberal media bias (which teens go fucking crazy for — they can't get enough of that shit! It's a trending topic on Twitter right now, between "Belieb That We Will Murder Nonbeliebers" and "shitty movie that's currently playing on TBS") and "Why Abstinence Works," a piece that one Virgin Mary may feel inclined to refute. But the crown jewel in the Winter 2011 issue is one where the son of Ronald Reagan continues to hammer away at the idea that his father was America's First Black President.


Interspersed in the crazy boring articles about not having sex and how Glee is a liberal indoctrination trap designed to come between you and your bestie Jesus Reagan Christ with messages of acceptance and lip synching are helpful italicized definition of words that readers of CT may find challenging. Words like "cameo," "systematic," and "contempt." Use them in conversations with your cooler friends to convince them that the world as it appears is one giant conspiracy designed to get you on welfare. Lest readers forget that this magazine is FUN, there are cartoons in the pages as well, and most of them are about totally teen topics like the IRS. The sort of thing you might see on a mousepad someone picked up in an airport. High hilarity, about as funny as the rapping granny scene in a Wayans Brothers movie.

One section in the magazine makes sure to point out that just because conservative teens don't think people should be having sex doesn't mean that they think sex isn't totally fun and cool. Au contraire! Sex is necessary. According to the mag,

People sometimes accuse conservatives and abstinence supporters of treating sex as dirty or shameful. Nothing could be further from the truth. Sex is normal and natural. The vast majority of people will have sex at some time in their lives. We need people to have sex in order to produce babies— otherwise the human race would become extinct!


Nothing sexier than the necessity of reproduction! You're right, Conservative Teen. Sounds like Conservatives totally love sex.


Unfortunately, the free preview issue is no longer available for online download, possibly because conservatives love the free market until the free market decides that a conservative idea is unintentionally hilarious and ridicules it, but trust that I will be subscribing to this glossy Debbie Downer of a publication and read it with the sort of relish I usually reserve for watching The Bachelor: After the Final Rose.