Yesterday's post about our friend Chris Nieratko's adventures in wife-impregnation drew some unexpected comments: some of you think we should de-friend him! On the basis that he mentions he used to employ "pulling out" as a method of contraception! To which we immediately wondered: wait, there's something wrong with using pulling out as a method of contraception? Other than, you know, the chance it gets in your eye? To be sure, "coitus interruptus" is not probably the zygote avoidance technique you use on a guy like Nieratko, or most anyone else with tattoos, but we remember getting really paranoid one day about our infertility and Wikipedia explaining to us that we maybe hadn't gotten pregnant yet because there isn't actually viable sperm in "pre-come." Which, by the way, is also called Cowper's fluid and also um "dogwater." So we polled all our friends about how much they use the pullout method and immediately felt like self-destructive skanks until Slut Machine, the only other Catholic schoolgirl on our buddy list, came online and confessed she uses withdrawal "all the time." And if it's good enough for Slut Machine...
A little background: for a religion that assumes you're not having sex till marriage and not having an abortion because it's murder, the Catholic church does spend an awful long time teaching its pupils how many ways you can avoid getting pregnant without a trip to the CVS. For instance, there is the "rhythm method", whereby you figure out the days on which you can't get pregnant on the basis of your menstrual cycle, which was always too much work for us though we do occasionally abide by the rule of thumb that says the three days after our period are EXTRA safe. And then there's withdrawal, which is discussed less but always seemed safer according to the "efficacy studies" printed on the manuals to the birth control pills we went on this one time we had insurance. Efficacy studies say that withdrawal, when done correctly, is almost as effective as condoms in the zygote avoidance category. So what's the problem? Well, it starts with the "correctly" part...As a certain ex used to whine: "It's like landing a plane." Awww.
"Yeah I dunno man. from what i understand, pulling out is probably the least effective form of contraception," said a friend's boyfriend. "Aside from 'abstinence.'" Heh! "Well, it's better than condoms," said a former, er, partner from so long ago we probably didn't have any STDs to pass to each other. But another said he considered it more of a "courtesy" than a method of contraception: 'because we all know shit's been leaking for a while before i pop. that's why i do the chivalrous move of handing the tube sock or shammy to my special lady — don't get up, I'll take care of this mess." Similar courtesies were extended by another guy friend of ours who enjoys the withdrawal method: " Depends. First time? Sure. But I don't skeet on her body/face or anything. I be polite and shoot it on the wall or pillowcase or something. No jizz-bombing until the second hump. Just a personal rule." Charming! Now we understand how this lothario has managed to get FIVE girls pregnant. While on the pill!
Pillhead, a girl, said she'd never ever used the method in her life but that the whole question "turned me on a little bit." (Um, yeah.) "Pulling out is for poor people," said a college student we know who furnished a demographic study to support her view. (Poor people like us!) Apparently in college, condoms are in heavy usage with "Plan B" the go-to plan B. "I love love love LOVE the feeling of having a dude come inside me," said a studious pill-taker who is, um, a little hormonal right now. To which we said, "Is it worth the feeling of a dude's cum inside you?" "Actually," she replied, "my friend has the WORST story about that. Her bf dumped her right after sex, 4 months into the relationship. She remembers walking down the street sobbing, walking away from his apt, and then feeling, you know. That PLOP."
But what about all those studies attesting to the lack of viable semen in the Cowper's cocktail? "Maybe I've just been BRAINWASHED by the safe sex lobby," conceded the former FB. A nonslut was not convinced: "Okay well Wikipedia also said, for a long time, that on Laguna Beach, Jason and Tyler were hooking up and Kyndra was okay with it." Good point! We're sticking with condoms. Unless, you know, it's the day after our period.
Coitus Interruptus [Wikipedia]