The Biebers Are on Their Way to Your Nightmare Wedding

I love weddings and sometimes I hate them. It is lovely to watch the people you love celebrate love, and it is fun to get dressed up and drink fancy cocktails at an open bar. And yet, weddings are often very expensive to attend, particularly if your friends getting married are That Couple, i.e., the ones who make you spend an entire year and salary celebrating their nuptials as if you don’t have your own non-wedding related life to live.

The Biebers are, in my estimation, That Couple, and though its possible I think this because I have spent a surprising chunk of my professional life trying to determine whether or not they were already married (they are, for the record), there exists quite a bit of evidence backing up my theory.

1) The Biebers have already had a wedding and now they are having ANOTHER one.

2) The Biebers’ second wedding is a destination wedding.

3) The Biebers planned their destination wedding last minute, which makes flights extra expensive.

4) The Biebers have been talking about both their marriage and their wedding for at least a full year.

5) Justin Bieber can’t stop referring to Hailey as “my wife” on social media. We get it!!!!

6) The Biebers got a couples dog.

You can refute any and all of my points, but as a seasoned wedding attendee, I can assure you that I am correct. This is not to denigrate the existence of love, which is very beautiful, but to remind everyone that the Biebers are currently en route from Los Angeles to South Carolina, where they will wed (again) at the Montage Palmetto Bluff, a fancy resort where I also once attended a wedding (as I said, I’m very seasoned). Though that wedding did not involve “praying and partying,” which seems to be the Biebers’ wedding theme, or terrorizing all the other Montage guests, which also seems to be happening here.

Anyway, best of luck to love, and may Hailey give up on the “Can’t believe we’ve been married X days!” Instagram posts after week three, unlike everyone I went to camp with.