The Babies Movie, Minute-By-Minute

The Babies are coming! No, wait — THEY’RE HERE! Sadie is at the first showing in stroller-friendly Brooklyn, covering the experience as it happens. Like a camcorder in the delivery room, she’s all up in the ladybusiness.

11:55 Okay! After a nightmarish commute I’m here at the Cobble Hill Cinemas, which is conveniently located in a hyper-babyish neighborhood. Excitement — and babies — are running high outside the theater. Oh, and weirdly, I’m here with 3 men. Having failed in my attempts to borrow a real baby, had to settle for my boyfriend, a friend, and the friend’s dad. All three actually asked to come with me.

11:59 Strangely, it’s not a full house. Do mommies with babies not want to see babies first thing in the day? There are three single women here.

12:00 A couple is making out furiously.

12:03 SATC2 preview. They know their audience.

12:04 A PREGNANT WOMAN JUST WALKED IN. What if this movie’s a trigger or something?!

12:07 We’ve confirmed the presence of at least one baby in the audience.

12:09 Movie’s started. Namibian babies are fighting, omg.

12:10 A friend made me promise I would not cry. I cannot honor that promise.

12:11 Focus. The Namibian baby’s name is Ponijao.

12:12 The ~~Cambodian~~ Mongolian baby is here! His name is Bayarjaygal, and he is, I think, enormous.

12:15 The mom is totally badass: She and baby just rode off on a motorcycle with dad.

12:16 Meet Mari of Tokyo. She’s clearly the hippest baby as she is sporting a little mohawk.

12:19 Globe-trotting over to San Fran. Newborn is Hattie. This is all so unintentionally twee.

12:20 My boyfriend just got here. He’s extra-late because the ticket-taker automatically directed him to the theater showing Iron Man.

12:21 Makeout couple is still making out. I don’t understand how! The international babies are sleeping. It’s riveting?

12:25 The Mongolian baby is peeing. In bed. Good reality check.

12:30 The contrast between the American tops/distractions and those of the other babies (like a lump of fat with a match stuck through it — that’s Mongolian baby’s toy) is striking. But they are all equally entertained!

12:31 Man, my boyfriend is loving this. He is cackling with genuine glee at everything the babies do.

12:32 Pregnant woman in audience looks enraptured. Single women are audibly cooing.

12:34 We’ve got footage of a daycare full of screaming babies. Couple stops making out.

12:35 Hattie is good at baby yoga. Very SanFran. Also, this movie is hitting all the baby-animal interaction sweet spots.

12:41 I feel drunk on infants. If that’s possible. But the whole audience seems to be baby-drunk too.

12:42 My friend Andrew finds the soundtrack intolerable — it’s vaguely international and whimsical scoring. I think it’s fine.

12:46 Mari seems to have a penchant for graphic design.

12:47 My boyfriend just exclaimed, “That little baby’s snoring!”

12:50 An older brother is hitting his baby brother, and you can tell that he’s just waiting for the camera crew to tell him to stop. This has gotta be messing with his perceptions of adult authority.

12:58 We have a baby tethered to a bed, unrolling toilet paper.

1:00 The live baby in the audience, apparently upset by all the onscreen crying, has left the building.

1:01 Less than one hour into showtime, and the babies have hair. They grow up so fast!

1:03 Mom: “What does the elephant say?” Baby: “Uh-oh!”

1:08 Vegetarians NB: We have on-screen entrails.

1:10 Hattie has a playground spill. Wipes out. Audience cackles.

1:17 More Hattie: She’s desperately trying to escape some kind of touchy-feely Mommy-and-Me circle. Cinema verite.

1:24 Movie ends with a “where are they now.” And? They’re toddlers.

1:29 And scene! I asked my boyfriend if the movie made him want a baby. His answer: “Apparently they get boring after about an hour and five minutes.”

1:30 Asked the theater manager if she had watched the film. “I got a lot of grandchildren. I don’t need to see no movie.” Then she says to my boyfriend, “Shoulda gone with Iron Man.”