The Adventures of Lindsay, Part 473: Trouble (?), Riches, and Reconciliations

Illustration for article titled The Adventures of Lindsay, Part 473: Trouble (?), Riches, and Reconciliations
  • Comeback kid (?) Lindsay Lohan has already gone back to her complicated lifestyle of dramarama mixed with rich-people acquisitions. We could talk about her for hours—she just never stops! All that Red Bull, maybe. Here we go.
  • "Lindsay Lohan's judge" received the criminal report about Lindsay's altercation with Dawn Holland, aka The $10,000 Betty Ford Clinic Worker. Will Lindsay be charged with battery? Probably—her life has to remain as dramatic as possible. It's what God wants. [Radar]
  • Some of Lindsay Lohan's compadres gifted her with a Range Rover worth $135,000. Damn, and we were just happy to get a paperback for Christmas. [Just Jared]
  • Lindsay Lohan's going to make jewelry! It's not going to be some poor-person seed-bead bullshit either, but fancy and expensive sparkle rocks. Gotta sell it to make gas money for the Rover. Oh, and her prospective partner, jeweler Pascal Mouawad, gave her a $25,000 pendant made of diamonds. Just for meeting. Damn, and we were happy that our friends treated us to Starbucks twice this week (decaf both times). [TMZ]
  • Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are on good terms now that they've talked about Lindsay's moving next door and decided that it's okay. [TMZ]
  • Mel Gibson's trying to take away Oksana Grigorieva's custody of Baby Lucia, because Oksana supposedly leaked the story about how he became aroused by beating her. Man, these two! [TMZ]
  • Would you like to go behind the scenes of the Green Hornet? Of course you would. So go, go! [Hollywood Reporter]
  • The Game has to pay up $50K for beating the shit out of his cousin during a funeral. [TMZ]
  • Snoop Dogg's sporting a long, curly new 'do. [Bossip]
  • John Travolta's supposed to show up for a fancy store opening in Midtown Manhattan this week. Will he bring his rumored man-friends, his wife, or all of the above? (He should ditch all his pals and come alone.) [Page Six]
  • Nicki Minaj listens to Coldplay. Rihanna grabbed her butt once. Of course she'd do a song with Taylor Swift. And she's "single and ready to mingle." Now you know so much about Nicki Minaj! Share your knowledge with that friendly guy who works at the Starbucks. You know the one—his name is Rob, I think. With the glasses. [E Online]
  • Lady Gaga considers herself to be a "visionary." [NY Mag]
  • Selma Hayek's in St. Barts. Her kid is three years old already. We're so old that it's tragic. [Popeater]
  • The makers of the weird, fee-crazy Kardashian Kredit Card are suing the gals for pulling out of that scammylicious deal. Team Kardashian. [TMZ]
  • Cameron Diaz can't put weight on. She should try eating Crisco out of the can. Twenty times a day, two tablespoons a pop. See what happens. [Digital Spy]
  • Jermaine Jackson is stuck in Burkina Faso with his expired passport until he pays up on his child support, which might never happen. Hope he likes it there! [TMZ]
  • Jessica Alba's parents renewed their vows. [Just Jared]
  • Older woman romancer Justin Bieber is now making Twitter moves on Raven-Symone. [Twitter]
  • She better decline, because Justin Bieber says he's nuts. [Popeater]
  • The royals will get new privacy rights so the public doesn't get to see their letters—which are sometimes embarrassing. Happy early wedding present, Kate Middleton and Prince William! [Yahoo]
  • Did official New York Housewife Countess Luann de Lesseps's daughter use the n-word? That's what Ramona Singer says. And does Ramona ever lie? Apparently, she posted video of the terrible teen on Twitter, but Bravo found out and intervened. [Radar]
  • No cancer no more for Adam Yauch. [HuffPo]
  • Madonna's sooo bored, so she's going to go on tour. Unrelated: She and her new boyfriend like to go out and drink water all night long. [Janet Charlton's Hollywood]
  • Amy Winehouse will make five million pounds for playing five shows in Brazil. That's almost as much as we charge for five blog posts. [The Sun]
  • The History Channel has decided not to run The Kennedys, a miniseries with Katie Holmes as Jackie O. OMG, why? Because it wasn't accurate enough. OMG, now what? Not sure. [Hollywood Reporter]
  • Trent Reznor is scoring David Fincher‘s version of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. [Slash Film]
  • Sometimes you find yourself just sitting around the house, wondering about the careers of Nick Lachey and his princess savioressa, Vanessa Minillo. Well, they're doing just great—thanks for your interest! Gonna be on the Hawaii 5-0 television show, don't you know, way to go. [Popeater]
  • Would you like to own David Beckham's customized Porsche? Just sell your Range Rover and your diamond heart pendant and you can buy it. []
  • "I was so shocked when it was this whole, 'Ginny's been on a diet since she was 9 years old!' I was like 'No!' I've never had body issues, I've never had an eating disorder ... I've never had to go on a diet and that's because of Weight Watchers." —Ginnifer Goodwin, on her weight. [People]
  • Congrats to Snooki & the Jersey Shores, America's favorite vaudeville act, for bringing in the ratings. [Yahoo]
  • Anderson Cooper won't become the next Oprah, says Oprah. He'll make his own path. Somehow can't imagine Cooper giving away free stuff and tolerating screaming people like Oprah can. [Digital Spy]
  • Oprah and Dr. Oz have never boned. Now you know. [TMZ]
  • Minnie Driver wants more kids, but not by herself. Do you have a nice, single friend for her? [The Star]
  • Britney Spears got her nails done. She was gonna get little adhesive pictures of Russell Brand glued on them, but then Katy Perry called up and said, "oh no you don't—only I can wear Russell Brand on my fingernails." So Britney said, "don't hold it against me," and they laughed. [Just Jared]
  • Kate Moss spent the holidays getting rich. A story we can all relate to, no doubt. [Contact Music]
  • "People still think we're dating? No! Really? ... He's sweet, though. I love him, but we're not dating."—Chelsea Handler on 50 Cent. [US Magazine]
  • You need some Sleek by 50 Cent wireless headphones. Yes, you do! You're not sleek enough. Don't argue with me. [Mashable]
  • Lisa Vanderpump wants the Soho Grand Hotel to replace her $8,000 in designer handbags that were stolen when she left her room to get some ice from the ice machine, to chill up her Fanta. [Radar]
  • Here's Britney Spears' new song, now remixed. Her voice! It just sounds so different and adult-like. [YouTube]
  • Penelope Cruz had trouble filming the serious parts of Pirates of the Carribean: On Stranger Tides, because that Johnny Depp is so funny and made her want to laugh. [Contact Music]
  • Guy Ritchie's girlfriend, Jacqui Ainsley, says she was definitely attracted to him when they met, but she "can't speak on behalf of Guy" to say whether he felt the same way. Do these people just pose for pictures and not talk to each other, or what? They've been dating for ten months now. Jacqui, ask him and find out—you should know this kind of thing by now. [Contact Music]
  • Matt LeBlanc says all the Friends friends "scattered" when the show ended. Oh well, fuck those jerks. [The Star]
  • Hailee Steinfeld beat out 15,000 girls to play Mattie in True Grit: Coen-Style. She was just really good and it was a no-brainer and she "clicked" with those Coens. [Hollywood Reporter]
  • But she didn't click with Lea Michele, who stone cold ignored her and made her cry. [Popeater]
  • Michaele and Tareq Salahi sent their lawyer to court to get $5,000 owed to them in exchange for video and pictures. They also asked the lawyer to pick up some milk—either skim or 1%. [Fox News]
  • Amber Riley's all attitude-of-gratitude about her Glee costars, who supported her when she sang for President Barack Obama. They should all get together and sing "That's What Friends Are For." [Contact Music]
  • Mischa Barton was out and about in London, looking lost and homeless and catching cabs. What kind of fur is that coat made out of? [Mischa B.]
  • Jim Carrey is finally going to appear on Inside the Actors Studio, which host James Lipton has totally dreamed about for only the last 17 years. When Lipton finally sees Carrey, he will hug him and say, "We're a package deal now, sugar—for REAL," in the manner of America's Golden Voice, Ted Williams. [E Online]


Jane, you ignorant slut.

I have come up with the solution for all of Lindsay Lohan's problems. A new version of "The Simple Life", starring LiLo. Lindsay will be forced to live on an Amish farm for the forseeable future, away from all electronics, cigarettes, alcohol, and hair dye. She must dress and work as a typical Amish woman. If she fails to follow the rules, she will not get fed. This will all be televised. The Amish family will, of course, be generously compensated for having to put up with the cameras and the rest of the nonsense. Lindsay's entourage and family will be kept away by restraining order.

Not only is this pretty much the only hope for Lindsay to actually straighten out at this point, it's totally a tv show I'd watch.