The 11 Biggest Mistakes You Can Make in the Bedroom

In my voyages through the tumultuous seas of the Internet, I’ve come across many gruesome beasts. For instance, while perusing the Huffington Post, I stumbled upon this handy guide entitled “Three Common Mistakes Women Make In The Bedroom.”

Two of the three mistakes provided are the exact opposite of mistakes. They are things that anyone with sense would suggest. Mistake #1, “Comfy Clothes,” states INCORRECTLY that “the biggest turn-off to your partner or spouse is comfy clothes.” Okay, bedroom sage — if comfy clothes were such a big turn-off, why would Kanye West be in the middle of a leather sweatpants-induced meltdown at this very moment? In the kingdom of comfy clothing, sweatpant is king, and sweatpants are currently the most cool, relevant and important garment in the universe.

Mistake #3, “Criticism,” states that “nothing will turn off your partner faster than telling him what you don’t like and don’t want taking place.” If you’re not enjoying whatever it is that your partner is doing, um, well, too bad. Saying, “Ow, that hurts, please stop stabbing my uterus arrhythmically with your swollen meat-stick; it is unpleasant for me,” is a turn-off, so just grin and bear it, advises Bedroom Sage.

These non-mistakes are mere trifles; I think it’s about time that someone addressed the true big mistakes women make in the bedroom. Without further ado, here it is:

The 11 Serious For Real Biggest Mistakes You Can Make in the Bedroom

1. Doing your taxes in the bedroom and forgetting to deduct your student loan interest.

2. Exclaiming, “Babes, this is delicious!” after eating a sandwich in bed.

3. Forgetting to set up a protective barrier of salt and magical herbs upon your bedroom floor before summoning a demon.

4. Leaving your bedroom window open during raccoon season (THEY WILL COME IN AND TRY TO EAT YOUR CANDY; I HAVE SEEN THEM DO IT).

5. Lounging on bed on your laptop while giving your social security number to a stranger who contacts you over the Internet claiming to be a Nigerian prince who would like to share his fortune with you.

6. Inviting some friends over to try Krokodil.

7. Giving yourself “cool” short bangs on impulse with the little scissors in that sewing kit you keep in your bedside table.

8. Spilling pasta sauce on the quilt your grandma knitted you.

9. Forgetting to change your clock for daylight savings.

10. Murdering someone.

11. Arson.

Let’s please not make a monolithic list of “SEX ERRORS” because 1) different things work for different people, 2) being didactic about sex is BORING, and 3) encouraging people to think of intercourse as something that they can fuck up big time if they don’t do it right is both scary and unhelpful. If I want to wear my leather sweats before, during and after sex, then that’s for me and me alone to decide. Don’t “yuck” my leathers.