The 10 Most ModCloth Items at ModCloth

I love twee online boutique ModCloth as much as the next girl who loves adorable shit. If I could afford it, my entire closet would consist of various woodland animals printed on rompers and barrettes shaped like slices of pepperoni pizza. Actually, if I could afford it, I’d just have someone size up Zooey Deschanel’s entire The New Girl wardrobe and live inside ModCloth’s website — adorably trapped for eternity, doing fashion shows for bunnies in onesies and ponies in corsets.

But doesn’t it feel like ModCloth is fucking with us sometimes? Like, they just sit around with thinking of punny expressions and then design items around them? Then they smoke crack and mercilessly beat each other up to Miley Cyrus soundtrack? Ya know?

Here are the ten items on ModCloth’s site that best capture the essence of this whimsical wasteland. Don your favorite fascinator and cat dress, and let’s get down to business.

1. Beak the Heat Beverage Dispenser

This is a drink dispenser for a 12 oz. beverage. It may or may not be an Aquafina bottle filled with anti-freeze, and I’m hoping it is so I won’t have to live in a world where my friends invite me to picnics only to make us all share one bottle of soda.

2. Unicorn on the Cob Shaker Set

Unicorn ON THE COB GET IT (cute, useless wordplay?) salt and pepper shakers. MC’s description couldn’t be filled with more Twee SEO: “magical wonder, dazzled, stardust, crafted, whimsical, enchanting, mythically, dreamy.” Just.

3. Crumpet Solo Skirt

“Trendy” tea and crumpets skirt, both a unique and sensory experience thanks to creative TEXTURAL use of appliques and a dangling tea bag. Screams unique, crafty, stylish, and teabagging.

4. Adele Paper Doll Set

OK, these are obviously dope and I love them. THAT SAID, I feel like you would be all, “OMG gonna get these for this person who loves Adele as much as I do,” and then you’d give them to the person and they’d be all, “OMG I love these soooo much! Where are they from? ModCloth?!” And then they’d rot in storage for 15 years before being found when looking for things to burn for warmth during the class and/or water wars.

5. Bold Hollywood Undies

Should be part of some abstinence program. God himself could not have created less sexy underwear. You need to do the close-up view to appreciate exactly how many panels of fabric are sewn together to create these things — like so many patchwork quilts passed down generation-to-generation, so are your new underwear.

6. Blueberry Tart Top

When I think ModCloth, I think cutesy retro-inspired dresses and frilly tops. This top, as Stefan would say, has it ALL: A delicate collar, perfectly pointless bow, and rows and rows of eyelet fabric, sewn atop to make you feel like the prettiest artisanal vegan cupcake at the dessert barf bar.

7. Splish, ‘Stache Swimsuit

It’s the tankini that 2010 built. If everyone’s gonna be all obsessed with mustaches, why couldn’t it at least be Wario’s cool-ass mustache? I just don’t get anything, and I certainly don’t even know where to start with this Snidely Whiplash monstrosity. I think it was Coco Chanel who said to always take off the last accessory you put on — and in this case it better be that sideways pubic bone bow.

8. Font-tastic necklace

Helvetica. Duh.

9. Juice Stop By Glass Set

Just what everyone who shops on ModCloth needs: more Mason jars. Oh well, you can use these tiny ones as drinking glasses for your homemade moonshine (theme weddings!), breast milk (baby showers!), or as specimen jars (other uses!). Refreshing!

10. Contain Your Excitement Sugar Canister

For the adult woman’s kitchen.

11. BONUS: Skull It a Night Top

SKULL IT A NIGHT, YOU GUYS. That seems to be stretching it for what appears to be a Hanes t-shirt that my cat attacked. Can you imagine the poor soul who had to make this? Like, fucking Americans.

I feel like they’re testing a new market with this one. Like, they can be cool and chill too, okay? It’s not all headpieces and girdles. Try this super casual top, featuring a loose-fitting form in front and a Laura’s-cat-shredded-to-pieces feel in the back. Oh, that’s a design? Right? Okay? SKULLS! Worth $35!