Senator Rand Paul, a Kentucky man who seems markedly less crazy than his crazy old dad, is set to announce his run for the President of the United States today. Paul, who is anti-abortion, anti-birth control, somewhat anti-vaccination, and a quiet fan of frothing conspiracy theorist radio host Alex Jones, is still likely to be about the best option possible on the Republican ticket.

The Washington Post reports that Paul is set to announce his candidacy in Louisville today, after which he’ll appear on Fox News for a full hour, just in case we forget which side of the aisle we’re dealing with here:

This is all a tad confusing, considering that Paul announced that he’d run for re-election in the Senate back in December. But he almost immediately began making the noises of a man who wants to be president, traveling to New Hampshire and the Conservative Political Action Conference. At CPAC, he inspired One Direction-levels of excitement, winning the straw poll for the third year in a row, getting several standing ovations, and pledging “the largest tax cut in American history.”

Paul is significantly less pro-bombing the shit out of other countries than many in the Republican field, saying earlier this year that he viewed war as “a last resort.” He also thinks unmarried women shouldn’t be having sex and has said that the idea of same-sex marriage “offends” him. But he’s stopping suggesting that it might lead to bestiality and has started suggesting he’d be OK with gay people getting married if they didn’t call it “marriage.” He’s also made his opposition to NSA surveillance a cornerstone of his public image, but voted against an NSA reform bill because it was written by Democrats because it didn’t “go far enough.” He’s also a proponent of medical marijuana and wants to legalize hemp. There’s a lot going on here.

It’s also worth noting, apropos of nothing much, that Rand Paul’s official online store is absolutely fucking incredible: the man is selling beer cozies, autographed copies of the Constitution ($1,000), a giant birthday card with his face on it, a giant hand fan with his face on it, an eye chart (because he’s an opthamologist) and an “NSA Spy Cam Blocker” that fits over the webcam on your computer. (Meanwhile, in a not so smart move given recent events, the Ready for Hillary PAC is still selling a poster of her looking at her Blackberry.) Let us all pray that his presidential run is as deeply weird as the man himself.

Rand Paul photo via AP, Rand Paul swag via RandPaul.com


Contact the author at anna.merlan@jezebel.com.

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