Madonna is making headlines for a third time today, and as usual, it's not because the former material girl is doing anything good, but because the desperate singer chose a slow news day to release her latest video. On Snapchat. Where no one has probably heard of Madonna because only tweens sending dick pics use Snapchat.
You know how I know that? Because recently I heard tweens discussing dick pics at the Daly City In-N-Out. I was wearing a paper hat (they give you one if you ask) and making fun noises while the children a few feet away were having a very adult conversation about dick pics they'd (probably never) received from friends and classmates. Madonna, hungry to capitalize on the 2012 success of the app, has made the video for "Living for Love" available only on the Snapchat platform, which I can't imagine anyone in their 30s having enough energy to download and sign up for just to watch this video. Actually, I don't think there's anyone I'd download a specific app for at this point. Is this what aging feels like? How soon before I start shooing children off my lawn and squeezing my guinea pigs just a little too tight when I dress them in their little outfits?
Oh wait, sorry. Madonna. Lost my train of thought there for a second. OH MY GOD, IT'S BEGUN!
Billboard says that "Living For Love" debuted on Snapchat's "Snap Channel"section, whatever the fuck that is, and the app's 200 million users can watch it there. This shit is totally going to become a trend, isn't it? Try not to look too shocked when Taylor Swift debuts her new video on the Pinterest app.
You and I both know Tay-Tay will be releasing that shit on Etsy. [D-listed]
Speaking of the elderly and enfeebled, MTV is all set to premiere Teen Mom OG which will reunite the original teen moms to tell their stories in fresh and exciting new ways. The star of the show is, of course, Farrah Abraham, who can no longer move her face and "threatens to shut down production" over something or other. You know Farrah Abraham probably makes more money than you and me, right? This is the world we live in. [MTV]
- Lilly Collins talked to Yahoo Style and dropped some truths about love, life and happiness. For instance, she knows that Hollywood is a fickle place and would have loved to be a journalist because she likes meeting new people and asking awkward questions. I would mock this except those are basically the same reasons Rory Gilmore wanted to be a journalist and we all rooted for her to go to Fez! [JustJared]
- Sarah Hyland loves to sing Alanis at karaoke. I bet that's real fun. I hope she just does deep cuts off Under Rug Swept. Anyone can sing "Uninvited," not everyone can sing that one song about dancing in the valley. God, I loved that album and also had the Alanis goes acoustic CD they sold at Starbucks. [Cosmo]
- Lauren Conrad...still exists. Huh. [E!]
- Ashlee Simpson is having a girl! [People]
- Justice Beaver checked in for probation. [TMZ]
- Lark Voorhies missed the Saved By the Bell reunion because of her intense work schedule. "Me too," screamed Hayley Mills even though no one asked her what she was doing. "Tell them I'm working, too! Did you know I played my own twin once?" [E!]
- The internet could not save "hot felon" Jeremy Meeks, who's been sentenced to 27 months in prison. [TMZ]
- Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally shared how they knew they were meant to be, just in time for Valentine's day! How did you know you were meant to be with your significant other? I knew when my partner shrieked in horror when I dried myself with one of his decorative towels (stapled together on the rack; I tugged real hard) the first time I stayed over. Or was it when he told me that it's impolite to just go into people's fridges and demanded that I let him list the contents of his ice box for me. Or was it...wait, why am I still in this relationship, you guys? [People]
Good evening! Here's a special little something I dug out to make your life just a tiny bit better on this cold February evening. (Imagine I said that like in a really sexy falsetto)
Lead image via Getty